


In The Cracks Of Light, I Dreamed Of You

by TristenCrone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aurors, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Cruciatus Curse (Harry Potter), Curses, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Imperius Curse (Harry Potter), Implied/Referenced Torture, Investigations, Loss, Magic, Medical Conditions, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Nurse Rey (Star Wars), Past Pregnancy and Miscarriage, Past Relationship(s), Past Torture, Pining, Spells & Enchantments, St Mungo's Hospital, Trauma, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter), Violence, Why Am I Being So Mean To These Characters?, all aboard the pain train, bad memories, past self-harm, past suicidal ideation, sad hours
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:13:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28786995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TristenCrone/pseuds/TristenCrone
Summary: Ben is an Auror working covertly on an investigation to uncover secrets that he would rather leave buried.Rey is a nurse at St. Mungo's caring for the victims of the Loyalists, patients that Ben and Hux need to interview.She doesn't know why Ben draws her in, why she feels like he's the ghost of a memory.A memory that Ben Obliviated years ago to save her. Years ago, when they were married.As they fight with the demons from their past, the danger they thought vanquished all those years ago will threaten all they have left.(Based on a prompt by @galacticidiots)
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 121
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm delving in to something totally new for me which is using a prompt to kickstart a story. I've had this particular one saved since October and my brain just wouldn't shut up about it, so here it is! Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks so much to my betas @Love_andbalance and @AuroraReylo!
> 
> Update: There will be discussions and depictions of past trauma specifically relating to miscarriage. As such there will also be mentions, depictions and discussions of pregnancy during that time period. I know these are very sensitive topics for a lot of readers and wanted to make sure I was very clear of potential triggers even though those scenes have not been written yet (as of Feb 1st 2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm delving in to something totally new for me which is using a prompt to kickstart a story. I've had this particular one saved since October and my brain just wouldn't shut up about it, so here it is! Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks so much to my betas @Love_andbalance and @AuroraReylo!

Chapter 1

_Her hands cradled his feverish cheeks, stroking a cool thumb against the stubble. She pushed the hair that had fallen into his face back, bright eyes drinking their fill of his face before both of them fell so deeply into the kiss that they forwent breathing. He gripped the curve of her hip as he moved against her, lithe legs wrapped around his waist._

_Heartbeat thunderous in his chest he tipped ever closer to the precipice, the climb torturous, and he longed for nothing more than to spend himself within her. She seemed just as crazed as he was, her breath catching, nails dragging down the ridges of his back. His name left her lips like a whispered prayer, a plea for release that he was powerless to ignore._

_“I love you… god, I love you,” she moaned into his ear before her head fell back onto the pillow, the graceful column of her neck exposed. He repeated her sentiment, voice ragged and aching for her, his lips finding the spot between her neck and shoulder that he knew made her shiver._

_She came apart beneath him, and he was lost._

_“Ben…” she soothed, those same hands that had laid waste to his back gently stroking his skin, tinged with perspiration._

_He buried his head in the crook of her neck, the scent of her hair intoxicating as he finally fell over the edge, her name burning on his lips._

Ben awoke drenched in sweat, hard and aching. It had been months since he’d even thought of her, a year since she had haunted his dreams. He tried not to dwell on why she intruded now, forced himself from the cramped and uncomfortable cot that he’d set up in his office.

The sun had yet to rise, street lights flooding the sliver where the curtains were too narrow to meet each other. His legs were tangled in the sheets, hair plastered to his forehead, far too long.

 _How long had it been since his last haircut?_ He took a deep breath, his nose tingling at the heavy musk coming off of his body. _Or his last shower for that matter?_

He couldn’t keep doing this. The British Ministry of Magic would not take kindly to one of their Aurors failing the simplest task of caring for themself, even though they were not as militant as their American counterparts. He was lucky enough to have his own private office, most of his colleagues were relegated to cubicles that spanned their department on the second floor of the Ministry building.

But Ben had proven his loyalty and fastidiousness, he worked with an air that most might consider obsessive. For him it was all he had left, and so he poured himself into the job, collapsing at some point when his body could no longer keep up with his mind.

He dragged his hand over his face, eyes bleary, his beard thicker than in the dream… or memory. It was difficult to tell how much was remembering and how much was longing. Still, he could not afford the distraction, and so he put it away deep in the recesses of his mind.

Ben settled in to practice his Occlumency, to shut down emotion, compartmentalize and deny that essential part of himself that longed for what he could not have. He’d been practicing these past few years, his skill much improved, but he still struggled when his emotions were high.

It didn’t help that he rarely managed more than four or five hours of sleep a night, it led to these moments: unguarded and keenly felt. In calming his thoughts, he shut down the residual desire that plagued him, and got up to make himself a pot of coffee.

The office was empty and Ben set to his task in silence, the scent of roasted grounds already invigorating to him, anticipation bloomed at the thought of the hot beverage injecting a bit of clarity into his mind. Hux entered the common area soon after, sneering when he smelled the coffee.

“Ugh, must you pollute the office so early with that swill?” Hux asked, pulling his nose up in disgust.

“Hey, I like what I like,” Ben answered with a shrug.

Hux just shook his head, retrieving his own mug and dropping a tea bag into it before he set the kettle up to boil.

Ben tried to keep calm, the red-head was possibly his least favorite person in the department and somehow also the closest thing he had to a friend. Hux had been hardened either by years of being an Auror or a lifetime of being an asshole, regardless he was a bane to be around, especially this early. He saw too much and wasn’t afraid to call Ben out on his shit.

“What brings you in this early, Hux?” Ben asked, pouring a mug of black coffee, briefly shutting his eyes as he took a deep inhale of the aroma. He tried in vain to erase the sweet spice of her hair.

“New case. I got a tip from a friend higher up in the department. It’s local but should be interesting. Trail went cold a few years ago, but the new man in charge seems to think there’s still something there we may have missed,” Hux said, pulling on the string to his tea, the bag bobbing up and down, color bleeding from it into the water.

“What do you think of him? Snoke?” Ben asked, curious what the other Auror thought.

“I’m loath to say, the walls have ears in this place,” Hux responded and Ben nodded in agreement. Secrets were few and far between within these rooms.

The only reason he’d been able to hold onto some of his was because of Kenobi, and his parents’ connections with the Minister of Magic.

“He seems tenacious, the job has clearly taken its toll,” Hux said finally, referring to the scarring that marred Snoke’s face and neck, and probably most of his body. “He’s been around dark wizards so long he could easily pass as one,” Hux finished and Ben agreed with his assessment wholly.

Snoke had Ben feeling uneasy, his presence left an edge to every room he entered. He’d been an Auror for so long Ben doubted he even knew how to act like a normal wizard. Snoke had worked abroad before now, taking the job of Head of the Auror office when his Kenobi moved to his current position of Minister. Still, despite a prolific reputation, Ben couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

“Hey, Solo… don’t take this the wrong way, but you look wretched. When was the last time you left the office?” Hux asked and Ben bristled at the question.

He thought he’d been doing an okay job of keeping up appearances, but it was always harder this time of year.

“I’ve been working cases, trying to make my quota. You know how it is,” Ben said, hoping Hux would buy the excuse. He didn’t really have anything better.

“I don’t think there’s been a single year where you’ve struggled to make your quota. You make the rest of us look bad, and as jealous as I am, I have to say… you need a break. You haven’t taken any holiday time since I joined this office over two years ago,” Hux said, tossing his tea bag into the trash can, tea apparently sufficiently steeped.

“Neither have you,” Ben said, the only argument he had.

It was getting harder and harder to stay on top of it all, to have the answers ready and his face blank. Maybe it was time he took a break, before he drove himself over the brink properly.

“Have to try and keep up with you,” Hux joked dryly.

Ben knew that Hux kept to himself as well, didn’t have many friends, and worked almost as much as Ben did.

“Sure, we’ll both blame it on competition then,” Ben said, swallowing the last of the bitter coffee, waiting for the caffeine to spread through his body and make the day easier to bear.

“Snoke’s doing a briefing in an hour. Go home, take a shower for god’s sake. The whole office will thank you,” Hux suggested and Ben begrudgingly agreed with his assessment. He sorely needed it.

His occlumency hadn’t been particularly effective this morning, coupled with him looking like warmed up trash he was sure Snoke might take the opportunity to delve a little too deep.

So, he took his leave, walking the London streets to his apartment, pre-dawn fog sitting on the city like a cloak. Its presence was oppressive, the air damp and thick, swirling around him like the ghosts he tried so hard to banish from his mind.

 _Get it together._ He cursed himself for his weakness, his fallacy after all this time.

 _It’s been three years. It shouldn’t still feel like this_. He thought miserably.

Ben was sick of feeling like he was constantly trying to catch his breath, the oppression of old pain draped over his chest like a lead vest. He couldn’t carry on like this.

Maybe he would ask to transfer somewhere else, not back to America, but the Paris office could be a good change of pace.

 _You’re just running away_. He berated himself, the mirthless laugh that escaped his mouth at the thought echoed loudly in the empty streets.

Was it really running away when there was nothing left here for him? He couldn’t go home, and staying here proved more difficult with time, Ben was left with the sobering thought that it might never get better.

So why continue to torture himself?

The more he mulled the idea over in his head, the more it made sense.

He would put in a transfer request, today, and finally take some of the leave that he was due. Ben might enjoy exploring the beauty of Paris first before he was forced to scour the slums and catacombs for murderers and terrorists. This was the only solution he could think of.

The only other option was staying here and drowning in the phantom pain of a life cleaved from him. That was no longer something he could tolerate; it was going to kill him if he kept at it.

Ben turned the key to his apartment, shed the foul-smelling clothing and was under the punishing spray of a hot shower within minutes. His sudden change in plans did far more to keep him awake and invigorated than the substandard coffee, the bitter acridity of it still sitting in his mouth.

He donned his usual black and was back at the entrance to the office before thirty minutes had passed. The street was livelier this time, dawn creeping up over the horizon, the brisk autumn air following him inside the red telephone box. He dialed the prerequisite number and was pulled below ground. When he entered the office this time he felt much calmer.

Hux and a number of other Aurors hung around in various small groups, catching up on their escapades and entertainment from the night before. Ben didn’t bother joining in, he had nothing to add, and cared even less for gleaning what they had to offer.

Snoke entered a few minutes later, the chatter slowed to a halt, people sat down at their desks and put their serious faces on. He greeted the office with a few barely perceptible nods before he unlocked the door to his office. The dark green door swung open, heavy and groaning with the strain of the movement. Snoke flicked his wand, illuminating the room and looked back at the group of Aurors.

“Solo, Hux…” he said simply, with a slight tilt of his head, gesturing for them to join him in his office.

He folded his tall, spindly body into the leatherback chair and the two of them settled into seats on the opposite side of the imposing desk. Another flick of his wand and the office door shut them all in the office, sound and sight obscured from outside prying eyes.

“I have a case I’d like the two of you to look into,” Snoke said, no preamble, no niceties.

Ben fought the urge to turn him down immediately, reluctant to do it in front of Hux and prompt a slew of questions.

Hux nodded, having expected this, and Snoke took it as a sign that he could continue.

“A few years ago, there were whispers of insurgencies rising in the shadows, similar to the ones before the Great War. I do not need to remind the two of you that these threats need to be snuffed out before they’re allowed to take hold again. Our detectives worked diligently on this and we assumed the issue had been resolved, but the trail ran cold before we could be certain. I want you to find out why,” Snoke said and Ben felt the unease grow inside of him.

Surely, it couldn’t be… Kenobi had assured him that all of this was laid to rest.

“Are the whispers starting up again?” Ben asked, careful not to give anything away, focusing on keeping his breathing even.

Snoke ignored the question, carrying on as if no interruption had occurred.

“Your investigation is to be focused on our previous one. I have reason to believe evidence and reports were tampered with. I need to know why. Neither of you were here when this happened, so I’m relying on your impartiality,” Snoke said, his voice dark and dangerous. “It goes without saying that the two of you are to mention none of this to anyone outside of this room,” he warned.

Snoke dropped the dossier on the table and Hux’s freckled hand wrapped around it within seconds, ready… eager.

Ben couldn’t say that he felt the same.

If it truly was what he suspected he didn’t know what to do. If he left and something bad happened… he’d never be able to forgive himself, but staying and delving back into that black hole would bring nothing but more suffering.

Snoke dismissed them and Hux rose from his seat immediately, leaving the room. Ben stayed behind, and Snoke lifted an eyebrow in question.

“I had actually planned on asking for leave this morning, and a potential transfer to the Paris office. I’m feeling the strain of overworking myself and thought a change of scenery would help,” Ben offered, knowing that saying this now would do nothing but cast suspicion, but he had to try and protect himself somehow.

“Hmm. I can’t say I’m surprised. You Americans are such workaholics, and clearly not built for British weather. It takes a certain constitution to put up with how dreary it is here, and unless you’re born to it or built for the monotony…” he trailed off, implying that he knew Ben wasn’t either.

So what if Snoke thought he was weak? As long as it got him out of here.

“Will you approve the request?” Ben asked, trying to keep a handle on his emotions.

If Snoke delved into his mind right now it would be over, so he focused on keeping his thoughts and feelings as neutral as possible, fixating on the idea of French food and scenery… the abstract imagery of entangled limbs and heavy petting, careful not to imagine with too much detail, lest she slip past his defenses.

Ben felt the uncomfortable prodding at his mind, like a long fingernail dragging against the fascia surrounding his brain. If he hadn’t spent the last few years building up his immunity, he wouldn’t even have noticed the attempted intrusion.

He tried to keep his features blank, not letting Snoke know that he felt his attempted Legilimency.

“After you look into this case for me,” Snoke said after a few moments of uncomfortable silence, “You’re like a man possessed when you get going, Solo. I need that kind of doggedness and attention to detail. If there is corruption within the Ministry it is our duty to expose it and cut it out at the root, before it can infect everything,” Snoke said and Ben knew he was too determined to sway.

Snoke would be watching them closely, there was no way Ben could even reach out to Kenobi, not without exposing too much. If he could steer Hux off course he might be able to protect the past and himself.

“I mean it, Solo. You and Hux will be working covertly on this, no Ministry help and no Auror protections, the less resources we use the less likely it is for them to find out what we’re doing. I’m relying on you two. Don’t screw it up,” Snoke warned and waved a dismissive hand, letting Ben know that there would be no further arguments or discussion.

Ben could only hope that whatever was in the dossier wasn’t too damning.

He found Hux in his office and shut the door. Hux’s head was already bent over the papers spread out on the desk, coppery locks falling into his eyes from their usual slicked back order.

“What do you have there?” Ben asked, careful to keep his tone plain.

“Investigations into a group of people that called themselves ‘Loyalists’ to the Dark Siders from the Great War. The notes list them being radicals, believing that Palpatine would someday return and they tasked themselves with preparing for that eventuality. They honestly don’t seem like they posed the biggest threat, although radicalism is never good,” Hux said, his brow furrowed in what Ben assumed was confusion.

They’d posed a bigger threat than Hux realized.

“What was the conclusion reached?” Ben asked. He’d never seen the files, only experienced some of it first-hand.

“The radicals were arrested, sent to Azkaban for the use of Unforgivable Curses and acts of sedition. There hasn’t been any activity for the last three years, since the raid that led to them being arrested. They were all reluctant to speak or share information. A few had to have memories forcibly removed. Some of their articles were kept as evidence, wands and other weapons, seditious papers that were being published,” Hux said, pawing through the pages to try and find more.

Ben knew that he wouldn’t. Certain names, certain trails had been removed from the account of events… his own included.

“It seems well done, cleanly laid out. I’m not sure why Snoke put us on this. You don’t think we’re being punished for something, do you?” Hux asked Ben, looking up from the stack suddenly, panic blooming across his face.

“I’m not sure, and it’s not like we can ask anyone. Snoke made it clear that we were alone on this, apparently we’re to investigate this in secret, without Ministry backup or resources,” Ben said, worry spreading through his chest.

What exactly did Snoke know? And almost more importantly… How did he know?

Hux seemed confounded, but determined to find out whatever he could.

“It might be best to start by interviewing some of the people from the initial investigation. We might not be able to go as far as reaching out to the Loyalists, but we could speak to some of the people they kept captive or those who got dragged into the fray,” Hux suggested.

Ben felt his stomach sink. He knew that their information had been removed from those files but someone else might slip up and reveal too much, if even one memory charm failed...

“Most of those people ended up dead, or permanently injured,” Ben said, without thinking and realized his mistake, “probably. My dealings with other fanatics have shown me that they usually hold little regard for anything but their own cause,” Ben said, hoping that his slip went unnoticed.

Hux didn’t seem to hone in on what he said, instead searching through the stack for a list of previous interviews and reports of injuries.

“It looks like some of their victims are permanent residents at St. Mungo’s,” Hux offered, gathering the names into a pile.

 _St. Mungo’s_ …

The mention of the hospital was enough to shoot a flame of panic up Ben’s spine, the reminder of his own injuries that night, and hers as well… The screams that had echoed within the hospital halls, ricocheting against the barren walls, and somehow the infuriating squeak of the gurney being pushed away from him.

“Well, what do you think?” Hux asked, pulling Ben from his thoughts.

“We can try. To repeat your earlier sentiments, I’m not sure there’s anything to be found. This matter seems to have been handled accordingly. And unless Snoke suspects that Palpatine really is out there and his followers are amassing again, this is just a colossal waste of time,” Ben huffed.

“I agree, but it’s still our job. We might as well make it look like we tried,” Hux offered.

“And how long do we search, when we’re not even sure there’s something to be found?” Ben complained.

“I guess we’ll wait for Snoke to tell us,” Hux said with a shrug, gathering up his pile of papers with people to interview.

Ben knew it wouldn’t go well. The people in St. Mungo’s were still there for a reason, they wouldn’t have the answers.

They exited the ministry and apparated to the abandoned-looking department store that served as the façade to the hospital entrance. The red-brick building was nondescript, on a fairly empty street, and the two men waited for it to empty before they stepped through the window and into the bustling reception of the biggest magical hospital this side of the Atlantic.

The receptionist came over to them, gray hair tied back into a stern bun, her plump body obscured by her hospital attire.

“How can I help you, dears?” She asked and they floundered.

There was no way they would get access to these patients without disclosing some of their mission. Undercover only went so far. The hospital would not consent to interviews from random visitors.

“We’re Aurors, here to ask a few questions,” Ben said, flashing his badge and he heard Hux huff beside him.

“We’re working on a case that’s very sensitive, and so we need our presence here to raise as little attention as possible,” Ben finished, leaning toward her and whispering, as if she was their conspirator.

She gave a sly smile and a nod, leading them over to a small conference room.

“Give me two ticks and I’ll be back to help you wherever I can,” she said before shutting the door.

“What the hell are you thinking?” Hux hissed, his face screwed up in anger.

“No one is going to let two assholes off the street interview patients that have been tortured and injured badly enough that they are under constant care. _Think_ for a fucking minute. We don’t have Auror support, but that doesn’t mean we put ourselves in danger and ruin the first lead we have,” Ben said, whispering, already finished with a silencing charm for the room.

There was no camera, none of the modern surveillance that the muggles relied on so heavily. Wizards had their own means; he knew all too well.

“Snoke is going to be so pissed off,” Hux warned.

“I know, but what other choice did we have, seriously?” Ben asked, not expecting an answer.

The welcome witch came back into the room, her cheeks slightly flushed with excitement.

“How can I be of assistance?” She asked them.

“We are looking into a serious matter from a few years ago. It is our understanding that some of the victims are permanently under care here. If possible, we would like to speak to any that are able to do so,” Hux said, handing her the list he had made with the names of patients.

She gave a little huff, her lips thinning in displeasure.

“If they’re still here after that much time that would mean they’re on the fourth floor. I’m sorry, I’m not sure how much help they will be. Most of them aren’t well enough to function in society, but you can try. You might have some luck speaking to the staff as well. They could at least give you an account of the injuries and their lingering effects,” she said and gave them each visitor badges to pin to their shirts.

“I’ll alert the desk clerk and let them know to expect you, I’ll also send along that list of names so they know how best to assist you,” she smiled and urged them up the stairs, toward the fourth floor.

They climbed in silence, the soles of their shoes making a clipping noise with each step up. Healers rushed about on each floor, and Ben and Hux were exposed to an array of ailments. One poor bastard’s nose had been hexed into an elephant trunk.

They reached the fourth floor without issue, the name of the ward displayed over the double doors that stood between them and answers: Janus Thickey Ward.

Hux pushed the doors open, not bothering to wait for Ben.

Ben had to force his feet to move, afraid and reluctant to delve into something he’d put to bed so long ago.

 _It still haunts you_. His thoughts mocked, a reminder that his attempts at moving on were subpar at best. _Maybe this will provide the closure I need before I leave for Paris._

It was a small hope, one he clung to as he stepped beyond the threshold and was met with the soft wailing sound of someone out of their mind, reliving a horror he wouldn’t wish on even his enemies.

Ben couldn’t stop the tremor that snaked up his body, or the icy feeling at the back of his neck.

Hux was hunched over the small desk, gesticulating wildly as he explained their purpose for being here, pointing at the piece of paper the clerk had in front of them. Clearly, they were not off to the best start.

He heard the doors swoosh shut behind him and a soft commotion off to his side, behind one of the room doors. Something metal clanged loudly against the floor and he heard the hushed tones of a nurse trying to calm one of the patients, the patient speaking in agitated tones, but he couldn’t make out any of the words.

As hard as his own job was, as demanding, he knew he could never cut it as someone in the healing profession. It took a level of caring and patience that Ben just did not possess.

The nurse must have been successful in her task because the noise died down and she came rushing out into the hallway, colliding with Ben where he stood in the middle of the walkway.

His hands reached out to steady her, fingers wrapping around her shoulders so that she didn’t fall backward from the impact.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there,” she said and Ben felt his world give way.

Sweet spice filled his nose, the scent dizzying and he felt like he was about to be sick.

 _It can’t be her. God, please, make it not be her._ He pled to an entity he didn’t believe in as he looked down and into a pair of hazel eyes so familiar, he could have sketched them from memory.

Three years fell away in an instant and Ben fought the urge to give in to what his body yearned for, to gather her in his arms and hold on so tightly that they both could scarcely breathe.

“I’m Rey, by the way. And you are?” She asked and Ben jerked his hands back like he had been burned.

The fiery yearning cooled to a hard stone in his stomach at the reminder of what they were to each other now: nothing… strangers.

He cleared his throat of the bitter tears that threatened and steeled his resolve, using his years of practice to come across composed.

“Nice to meet you Rey, I’m Ben,” he said with a curt nod and walked away from her, each step like walking on broken glass. He didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we're delving into lore and terms from both Star Wars and Harry Potter, I thought I'd try to add links to any spells or terms that might be confusing or new.
> 
> [Ministry Of Magic](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/British_Ministry_of_Magic)  
> [Auror](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Auror)  
> [Magical Congress of the United States of America](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Magical_Congress_of_the_United_States_of_America)  
> [Occlumency](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Occlumency)  
> [Minister of Magic](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Minister_for_Magic)  
> [French Ministry of Magic](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/French_Ministry_of_Magic)  
> [Telephone Box](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Telephone_box)  
> [Legilimency](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Legilimency)  
> [Loyalists](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Sith_Eternal)  
> [Azkaban](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Azkaban)  
> [Unforgivable Curses](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Unforgivable_Curses)  
> [Memory Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Memory_Charm)  
> [St. Mungo's Hospital](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/St_Mungo's_Hospital_for_Magical_Maladies_and_Injuries)  
> [Muggles](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Non-magic_people)  
> [Apparating](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Apparition)  
> [Silencing Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Silencing_Charm)  
> [Healer](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Healer)  
> [Janus Thickey Ward](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Janus_Thickey_Ward)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go out again to my lovely betas @AuroraReylo and @Love_andbalance!
> 
> I really appreciate everyone that took the time to read and leave kudos and comments on chapter 1! Your support definitely helped me churn out this chapter so much faster!

Chapter 2

Rey shook off the nightmares the same way she did every morning. It was tiresome and draining, and she was at her wits end. She’d tried numbing her mind with alcohol to help her sleep, muggle meditation, she’d even made a sleeping draught. They worked well enough when she fell asleep but by those lonely hours before dawn the nightmares crept back in.

They didn’t make sense, ominous shadows that chased and tormented her. They seemed more like the impression of fear, left behind like a stain she couldn’t get rid of. None of them were clear enough to make out, they were too disjointed and dark, swirling and confusing.

She’d reached out to a few of the healers at the hospital, but they’d simply told her to decrease her stress levels, another suggested possibly taking some time from work or moving to a less stressful profession.

_Fat lot of good any of that did_. Her questions and attempts at getting help had done more to cast doubt on her abilities than it had served to solve her problem.

She didn’t dare tell them what she suspected: that she was being haunted.

Wizards would dismiss her concerns, overly comfortable with ghostly apparitions floating through the halls, paintings of those long-dead still talking and moving. But Rey had been raised as a muggle, she believed in things that even magic couldn’t explain.

Why else would she be plagued with the same terrors every night? The same blackness that threatened to swallow her whole right before she shot up in bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for a clear breath.

Still, it had become a part of her routine, as horrible as it was. Rey never needed an alarm, or even the sun to wake her.

She let her demons carry her into another day and she took a few moments to compose herself afterwards. A hot shower followed, and then sipped the same steaming cup of lemon balm tea… touted for its properties for emotional healing and comfort.

Rey then got dressed in her uniform for work: a full-length dress, originally a very light green but now graying from how often she had washed it, and the white apron. Comfortable shoes fit for hours of standing came next and lastly, she pulled her hair back into a single bun at the nape of her neck.

She stepped up to her oversized chimney, tossed a handful of Floo powder into the embers in the hearth and stepped inside. The loud whoosh of green flames enveloping her body still startled her, but it had gotten so much better.

Rey nodded at the welcome witch and headed up the stairs for her shift on the Janus Thickey Ward, arguably the most exhausting department in all of St. Mungo’s. Yes, the lower floors dealt with acute injuries but most, if not all, were treatable with healing spells or poultices administered on wounds. Words were muttered to mend broken bones and stitch lacerated flesh back together.

Here there was no cure, nothing to be done to fix the damage.

Rey and her colleagues did what they could to ease the suffering of those that had been tormented past the point of return by Unforgivable curses, patients who had forgotten their own names in spells gone wrong.

She felt a kinship with them, for reasons she couldn’t find the words to express, but something within her acknowledged and recognized their pain.

The head healer on duty tasked Rey with seeing to Mr. Gregor, one of the testier patients. He had been cursed years ago and now bore the appearance of a man whose head had been distorted to a more wolf-like shape, his face covered with fur. He kept to his room, embarrassed by his appearance, especially around meal-times. His snout tended to get in the way, his elongated jaw making it difficult to keep all the food inside of his mouth.

Rey did not enjoy being in charge of administering his breakfast. He wasn’t a morning person. Usually, she would suck it up and do it without complaint, but this morning she worried. Despite the lie that she told herself every morning, that she was fine and that she’d shake off the night before… today felt different. Rey felt a brittleness settle around her bones, like one strong wind would scatter her into the ether.

Her apprehension was well-founded, within seconds of her bringing in the tray with his food he had flung it from the overbed table. Eggs and tea and a mishmash of other food items colored the wall like an abstract painting.

Mr. Gregor growled at her, chewing out menacing threats that she knew he didn’t mean, but fear danced within her chest regardless, and warned her to run. She bit down the panic, raising her hands up in a placating gesture as she spoke to him, trying to let him know that she meant no harm.

“It’s okay, Mr. Gregor. I’ll see to the mess and then I’ll bring you a fresh tray. If you promise to behave, I’ll even leave the room so you can enjoy it in peace. Now, how does that sound?” Rey asked, a tentative smile on her face.

He huffed but didn’t argue and Rey nodded, taking a deep breath before she shot out of the room. At least she tried, but she still left with too much haste, her body colliding with a wall of chest.

Warm hands held onto her arms, steadying her as she toppled backward and she looked up, and up some more. A tall and imposing man held her in place, his gaze focused on the desk clerk.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there,” she said in apology, swallowing hard against the dryness in her throat as she got a better look at him.

He was pale, purple bruises marring the hollows under his eyes, a faded scar bisected the right side of his face, cutting through his eyebrow and down his cheek. Dark eyes met hers, shadowed even more by the thick black brows that drew down into a frown. Whoever he was, she had no desire to pick a fight with him.

Rey felt dwarfed, practically pressed against his chest, heat radiating off of him in waves. Black waves spilled down, touching the collar of his shirt, a wayward lock had fallen over one eye and Rey fought the urge to push it back.

Plush lips folded into a thin line, his dark beard obscuring his jaw, but she was sure that he clenched it.

“I’m Rey, by the way. And you are?” she asked, cursing herself internally as soon as the words left her mouth. She had no business asking him about himself or introducing herself so informally.

Within the span of a few minutes, she had a patient decimate their room and she’d collided with a visitor. The matron would not be pleased.

He seemed unhappy about the situation himself, dropping his hands from her shoulders as if she was afflicted by the Pimple Jinx and stepping away quickly.

“Nice to meet you Rey, I’m Ben,” he said, and his voice slithered down her chest like a shot of fire whiskey.

He gave her a short nod and walked away without a backward glance.

Rey’s chest felt like it was about to explode, her heart pounding so hard that it hindered her hearing. She felt like her ears were stuffed with cotton wool, his voice saying her name knocked around in her head like a stray bullet.

She watched him walk away, those long legs eating up the distance in mere strides, the outline of the muscles on his back visible through the fabric of his shirt… shoulders so broad he seemed almost too large for the hallway.

_Get a grip_.

Finally, a sane thought intruded and she walked toward the desk clerk so that he could summon an orderly to see to the food fiasco.

Ben stood alongside another man, a ginger with blue eyes that didn’t seem to hold a hint of patience in them. Her assumption was proven correct when she got close enough to hear their conversation.

The red-head was berating the clerk, demanding in hushed tones to speak to a list of patients. She heard him say that they were Aurors in the middle of an investigation.

Rey’s eyes flicked back to Ben. He definitely had the air about him to be an Auror: Daunting, the scar that alluded to the dangers he faced in combat, his expression intimidating and closed-off.

She took another step forward and could pick up the faint scent of whatever soap he had used this morning, mixing with his cologne. Rey thought she could detect something earthy, notes of oak, leather and bonfires.

He seemed to sense her presence, turning to look at her as she stepped up to the desk, before she could say a word. The other man ceased his arguing and turned to see what had diverted his colleague’s attention.

“Uhm, sorry to interrupt, gentlemen,” she said, avoiding Ben’s eyes, directing her question to the clerk, “Kix, can you please have an orderly come by Mr. Gregor’s room? His first breakfast tray met an unfortunate end. I’m off to get him another,” she said and the clerk nodded.

Rey stepped away, ready to complete her task when she heard Kix pipe up behind her, “Actually, Ms. Niima… Mr. Hux has told me that they need assistance with their investigation and I’m not going to be able to leave my desk long enough to be of any real help. I’ll send an orderly and another nurse over. Could you please direct these men in their task?” He asked and Rey fought an overwhelming urge to say no, to run and hide and never see either of them again.

Ben bristled at the question, muttering something under his breath, his displeasure clear. Hux didn’t seem to have as much of an issue with it, nodding at Kix and grabbing the page that rested on the desk.

Rey led them over to the small waiting area that was usually reserved for families.

“How can I help?” she asked Hux, trying not to look at Ben, something about him left a part of her screaming that he was dangerous.

_Stay far away!_ It warned, while another part of her warred in the opposite direction. She felt unduly drawn to him, like he was the sun and she was being pulled into his gravity.

“We have a list of patient names, victims of attacks by a group we are investigating. We understand that some will not be able to participate in an interview, but we’d like to get as much information from them as we can,” Hux answered, handing her the cream paper, names scrawled in an inelegant hand.

She recognized the names, of course, she’d been working on this floor for the past two years since her transfer. Most of them had been tortured, others had been cursed to the point that it impeded their ability to live in the outside world.

“Three or four of these names might be able to consent to an interview and talk long enough for it to be useful. A lot of these people have been tormented to the point that they no longer speak. One of these requires permanent treatment, without which they would stop breathing. Whatever you’re investigating, whoever did this…” Rey choked out, getting unexpectedly emotional about the toll taken on these people that she looked after on a daily basis.

“You make sure they’re brought to justice. These patients deserve at least that for their pain,” she bit out, ashamed of her unprofessional demeanor but not regretting it.

She meant it.

Whoever had hurt them was deplorable, the horrors carried out by their hands almost too terrible to name.

Hux cleared his throat, “Uh, that is our intention, miss. We appreciate your compliance in this matter. If it’s not too much of an intrusion we would also be grateful if you would be willing to give a statement that details the scope of the damage done,” He said and Rey had to swallow the thickness of tears that threatened before she could respond.

“Of course,” she said and gestured for them to follow her to the first patient’s room.

“This patient suffered a brain injury that caused them to seize uncontrollably afterward, the resulting brain damage hindered their ability to walk and use their limbs. They require a nurse to feed them and administer potions that prevent more seizures,” Rey explained before they entered. “I mention this because he’s still cognizant but he gets agitated when his disability is mentioned. You may ask him about the attack but please direct any questions about his current condition to me,” Rey said, waiting for the men to agree before she opened the door.

“Tivik, these men have come to ask you some questions. Do you think you’re up to it?” She asked gently, the bed-bound man giving an almost imperceptible nod.

Tivik grunted in agreement and Rey moved over to his bedside, wrapping her arms around his body to help prop him up slightly, so that he’d feel more on par with the men that lingered in the doorway.

Ben seemed to get the hint first and sat down beside the bed, Hux shut the door behind them and followed suit.

Hux retrieved a notepad and quill from a satchel at his side, ready to notate whatever came of this conversation, but it was Ben who initiated the interview.

“Mr. Tivik, we’re Aurors and we’re reopening the investigation into the attack three years ago. We wondered if we could glean any new information that might have been overlooked initially,” Ben explained.

“I don’t mind. Nobody was able to interview me back then because I was in very bad shape. They weren’t sure I’d make it; you know?” Tivik said in his thick Northern accent.

“Sir, if you wouldn’t mind, could you elaborate on how you were involved in all of this?” Hux asked.

Rey stood off to the side, not sure whether she should leave and let them get to it, or if she should stay in case Mr. Tivik got stressed or agitated and potentially set off another seizure. They tried their best but the potions could only do so much to prevent one. She decided that she’d stay. For her patient’s sake. Not at all because she desperately wanted to hear more of that honeyed spice voice.

“I had heard strange sounds around the building, I worked the night shift, saw to it that the cleaning crew did their job well and that no one tried anything funny. The factory had been targeted once before by a group of misspent youths. I had no idea that this time was more serious,” Tivik said, his gaze wandering into something unseen.

The paper and quill were poised in the air, scratching and marking the page with everything that was being said at an astonishing speed. The two gentlemen listened intently.

“I heard strange noises, coming from below the ground. At that point I had no idea that the factory had been built over hallowed ground… a nexus point, I found out it was called later. The group had found ancient tunnels that led to this nexus point. I didn’t know what they were trying to use it for, why they were there. But they were the bad sort, I could tell the moment I stumbled upon them,” Tivik said.

“And how did you find them?” Hux asked.

“Behind the building, toward the small outdoor area, ‘green space’ as the muggles call it. I found a metal cover that had been obscured before, Disillusionment Charm, not put back just so. I was able to enter from there. What I heard made my blood run cold,” Tivik said, his body shivering in recollection.

“What did you find?” Ben asked. Rey wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“Dark tunnels, claustrophobic and twisting, almost too confusing to find my way through. I thought about leaving then, heading back above ground and calling my supervisor, but when I heard the screaming, I couldn’t hold my feet back. I had to help,” Tivik said and this time it was Rey who trembled.

His testimony irked her in a way she couldn’t explain. She’d heard some of the horror stories these patients had endured, but for some reason this one felt different.

“I tried to be quiet, I really did. Rushed toward the sound and got lost in the maze, but eventually I made it to where they were. So many more than I had expected given how small the tunnels had been, but they opened up to a chamber, dimly lit by eerie green light. They had a few people strung up in chains, unconscious from whatever they had endured at the hands of these _heathens_ ,” Tivik said.

Rey could almost picture it in her mind, his account was so vivid she felt as if she’d seen it with him.

“They wore masks, varying kinds but their faces were all obscured, dark robes. Some of them were chanting in a language I did not recognize. And in the center, I saw what was making the sound that I’d heard. It was a man, yelling out in pain as they performed the Cruciatus curse on him. His voice was horse from screaming, blood streamed down from his face, obscuring it. Terrible sight, I still see it sometimes in my nightmares,” Tivik admitted and Rey could believe it.

She suffered from nightmares without cause, she hated to think how bad they would be if she had to endure anything like Tivik had. Rey looked at the Aurors, Hux looked slightly disturbed, frowning but still listening intently.

She was surprised to note that Ben looked decidedly less composed. His face was twisted slightly, marred as if he could feel the pain Tivik spoke of himself. His pale skin seemed a shade lighter, a grey tinge to it that worried Rey, and she had to remind herself that his feelings and wellbeing were none of her concern.

“I heard two of them whispering close to where I stood, something about them getting access to what they required, and the hostages needing the right kind of incentive to give up information because torturing was proving unsuccessful. One of them mentioned going after their families next, if their hostages refused to give in,” Tivik said and Rey saw something flash across Ben’s face, fleeting and so miniscule that if she’d looked away a second sooner, she would have missed it.

He looked like a man on fire, eyes smoldering from within, hatred and fear and pain.

What was his involvement in this? It seemed a little personal. Perhaps he’d known one of those hostages, maybe he just really cared about justice for those affected.

“Interesting, did they say anymore about what it was they were trying to acquire?” Hux asked.

Tivik shook his head sadly, “No, I didn’t hear much else unfortunately. I was knocked back with a spell, my head cracked against a tunnel wall and everything went black. I now know that I was one of the fortunate ones. They thought me dead and so they left me alone, most if not all of those other hostages were tortured to death,” Tivik said, his voice a mere whisper at the end.

Rey felt bile rise in her throat. She’d had no idea that anything like this had even happened. It must have involved something the Ministry wanted to keep quiet, or she was sure she would have seen it splashed all over the Prophet in the days that followed.

Hux nodded at Mr. Tivik, “Thank you for your time, sir. We’re sorry to bring up such unpleasant memories but we appreciate the help,” he said and Rey was surprised at the sincerity in his tone.

He didn’t seem like the caring type. She would have described him as impatient or focused far before she considered kindness. It was a nice surprise.

Ben was still quiet, face drawn in concentration and Rey wondered what was going through his mind.

The men stood and left the room, Rey felt rooted to the spot, seeing Mr. Tivik with new eyes. He wasn’t just a lame man in need of care, he was someone that had run toward danger for the sake of a stranger.

“Do you need anything?” Rey asked, feeling like the question was wholly insufficient but not knowing how else to help.

“No dear, I’ll be alright. Just help me settle back down, I think I might need a kip after all that talking,” he said and Rey complied, tucking him in and walking out of the room to afford him some privacy.

Hux and Ben stood in the waiting room, whispering to each other, their faces serious.

Rey took a deep breath and approached them.

“What’s next?” She asked and they pulled their attention to her.

“The other patients if you please,” Hux said and Rey led them down the hall toward the next room.

All the patients had similar stories, they happened to be at the wrong place at the worst possible time. They had varying injuries and capabilities of recollecting what happened. One remembered only darkness and evil, and the pain that they endured.

Another spoke of glimpses of plots and darkness growing from the shadows, only escaping by chance.

Rey was able to put together that this involved Dark Siders, evil wizards that had waged war and sown terror years ago, before she’d been born. It seemed the attacks three years ago had been the peak of their attempt at a resurgence. She balked at the idea.

She knew the Aurors were there to protect magical folk and muggles from danger, but it wasn’t until now that she realized just how dire those dangers could be. Rey dealt with putting people back together, but the Aurors were there for the ripping apart and destruction.

Rey fought the urge to ask them why they were investigating this again. Did this mean the Dark Siders were back? Loyalists to an evil overlord that had thrown their whole world into chaos and suffering.

Rey also kept getting triggered by their stories, her body reacting to each recounting, empathizing so strongly that she could almost imagine what they had gone through. It didn’t help that she’d woken feeling so off today. Her mind felt weak, susceptible, and unable to keep the shields up that she’d become accustomed to.

Ben noticed, pulling her aside before the last patient, the imprint of his hand swallowing her wrist felt like a brand.

“What?” she asked, on edge, unable to keep the ire from her tone.

She didn’t know why his touch made her bristle or why she struggled to keep her composure.

“Why don’t you sit this last one out? You know we’re going to treat them respectfully and I promise to come get you at the first sign of trouble… but you’re pale and shaking. You don’t have the training we do. You’re not equipped to deal with the toll this kind of work takes,” he said, his voice biting.

She wasn’t sure if he intended to be kind, his tone suggested otherwise, and even though she hated being told what to do she knew he was right. Rey agreed to his request, a tiny nod and down-cast face to hide the tears that threatened.

His hand still held her wrist, a shackle, tethering them like a chain. His eyes bore into hers, unfathomable, dark pools that she longed to explore the depths of.

“ _Ben,_ ” she whispered, despite her best efforts to leave it be. “Are we in danger? Are they coming back? Why are you investigating this now, after all this time?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to draw Hux’s attention.

He let go of her hand, stepping away and shaking his head as it to clear it from some malady.

“Rey, I cannot share case details with anyone, least of all a _civilian_ ,” he said the word like it was a curse, as if she was worthless.

Rey somehow knew, without him saying it that the situation was more dire than even they’d expected.

Black dread settled in the pit of her stomach, so much like the hunger she’d endured in the orphanage, bleak and gnawing.

He turned to leave her, Hux already waiting in the room of the last patient.

“Ben,” she said, the name ripped from her lips almost against her will.

That dark head flicked in her direction and she took note of his face, as if to memorize it, for reasons she couldn’t name.

“Be careful, please,” she pled, against her better judgement.

Those lips flattened into a line again, the muscle under his eye jumping as if under strain. She wondered if he was going to say anymore but he just gave her a single sharp nod and walked into the room, leaving Rey feeling lost and rudderless in the hallway, unsure of how she would go about her day knowing what she did now.

Somehow Rey knew her nightmares would be different tonight, tunnels and masks, and darkness complete would torment her sleep from now on. She didn’t know if that was better or worse than before, but she did know it would be a long time until she forgot Ben’s face and the fiery touch of his hands on her skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New terms/spells in this chapter. We see some new names in this chapter, these secondary character names were only used for inspiration and are not intended to be the exact character from canon:  
> [Sleeping Draught](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Sleeping_Draught)  
> [Floo Powder](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Floo_Powder)  
> [Gregor](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Gregor)  
> [Pimple Jinx](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Pimple_Jinx)  
> [Kix](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kix)  
> [Niima](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Niima_Outpost)  
> (The inspiration for Rey's last name)  
> [Tivik](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Tivik)  
> [Nexus Point](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Vergence)  
> [Disillusionment Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Disillusionment_Charm)  
> [Cruciatus Curse](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Cruciatus_Curse)  
> [Knockback Jinx](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Knockback_Jinx)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much again to my lovely betas @AuroraReylo and @Love_andbalance 
> 
> Warning that this chapter contains more mentions and descriptions of past torture, pain, blood, and there is violence at the end. So please just mind the tags.
> 
> Thank you to everyone that has shown so much love to this new story! I really appreciate it and it makes me so much more excited to keep writing it!

Chapter 3

He was fraying, his Occlumency tattered to the point that it was almost useless. He’d almost gone to pieces in the hospital room, Tivik’s account so unexpected that Ben had felt like a fist reached into his torso and shredded a hole through his stomach.

Ben knew what the man spoke of, knew the twists and turns of those tunnels, the torture chamber. His wrists felt the bite of the shackles against the walls and his back tightened at the mention of the curses. Ben kept waiting for Tivik to recognize him as the poor soul being burned alive from the inside out, screaming until his voice disappeared, but he never did.

Ben was grateful. It had been so long since he’d let his mind wander down those black passages. Shoving it down, closing himself out from his memories and feelings had been his survival tactic all these years. He worried now that he wouldn’t be able to do it again.

The feelings were so raw, the barest of scabs ripped, exposed and fresh blood pouring from the wound. It didn’t help that she’d stood in the room with them each time, her face like an open book, fear and pain and empathy with each new piece of the puzzle.

Ben worried, anxious and terrified that these interviews would jostle something, shake loose a memory that they’d missed. He couldn’t bear it if she remembered her part in all of this, the pain she had endured.

All his fault.

She’d only been there because of him.

Ben failed to protect her then.

He would not make that mistake again.

When she’d looked to be at her breaking point, he could take it no longer. Even if she didn’t remember, these interviews were distressing her. He couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand when he kept getting distracted by her, and worrying about her mental state.

Touching her had been a mistake. The first time had been an accident, the last time was pure stupidity. His body ignited at the contact, her soft skin like an electric shock through his body. Ben could feel her pulse jump against his fingertips, racing.

She was thinner than the last time he’d touched her, her wrist felt so frail and breakable in his hand. When she asked him about the Loyalists, about the safety of the world, his resolve had hardened.

The less she knew, the better. He couldn’t do his job if she was involved. It had ruined both of them last time.

This time had to be different. If those fucking Loyalists were back, he didn’t want her anywhere near them. It was better for her to stay ignorant and safe, on the outskirts of all of this trouble.

Once they finished up this last interview Ben would go back to Snoke and demand answers. He refused to accept that cop out again. Snoke owed them information, especially when that information meant they could avoid a calamity like the one from before.

They’d managed to keep it a secret, but the last insurgency had nearly toppled the wizarding world. Kenobi had to step up as Minister because the previous owner of the title had been corrupted by the Imperius curse, his mind assaulted and overcome in search of the object Tivik had mentioned. He now lived out his days in secret disgrace, on an estate in the country, a permanent guard at his side.

Hux was already in with the last patient, that quill of his already scratching their name onto the parchment. He gave her the spiel about them investigating the events surrounding her attack and by the way she reacted Ben could tell that this interview would be different.

The woman was immediately agitated, more so than any of the others, her eyes darting around the room as if she expected someone to walk right through the wall.

“Miss Ferrieder, are you alright?” Ben asked, concern spreading through him, weary of what was going on in her mind.

“Can’t talk to you, can’t. It’s not safe. Not safe,” she repeated, shaking her head sharply multiple times, strange and disarming.

Hux started to try to placate her, telling her that they could be trusted and that time had passed. No one was looking for her.

Ben wasn’t so sure.

He pulled his wand out and started. Walking around the room, he whispered silencing charms, disillusionment charms, anything he could think of that could protect them against prying eyes and ears.

The woman stilled when she noticed what he was doing, her gasping breath slowing to something more normal. Her eyes were trained on Ben and when he finished he approached her bedside, speaking softly to not alarm her.

“I can protect this room, make sure it’s secure, but you need to tell me if the true danger lies with you. Is your mind safe?” Ben asked.

“Aye, but just to be sure you’d best obliviate me before you leave. Just for this visit,” she said and Ben agreed.

Hux looked alarmed, possibly. Agitated for sure. He didn’t like being left out of the loop and they were supposed to be on equal footing under Snoke. Ben knew Hux was aiming for a promotion and didn’t appreciate when people circumvented him to get stuff done.

Ben just shot him a look that he hoped conveyed the “not now” sentiment that he was feeling and settled into the chair beside her bed.

“So, Ferrieder. Who are you really?” Ben asked and he heard Hux scoff beside him, incredulous that he would start his questioning with such a pointed or ridiculous question.

She straightened up in bed, the agitated demeanor from before sliding away into something calmer, colder.

“My true name is Kreia and I used to be a Dark Sider. I fought with them during the Great War. I went into hiding after we lost and rejoined society under an assumed identity to live out my years in peace. A few years ago, whispers started back up again,” she started and Hux sat back in his seat in shock.

Ben had expected that she was hiding something, but it was another matter entirely talking to a Dark Sider, face to face.

“The Loyalists that kept in touch through the years had by then had children of their own, younger and more bloodthirsty, to carry out their bidding. They tried to recruit me again. I warned that I had changed. Honestly, I wanted nothing to do with nonchalant leaders, uncaring of the people they sent into war or the stench of death they left behind. I had sworn, never again,” Kreia said.

Ben looked closer at her face, and saw the toll that the war had taken on her. Even after all of this time her eyes were blighted by shame only she could see, glassy and unfocused, staring off at the ghosts of her past.

“Do you know what they wanted this time?” Ben asked.

She grunted in confirmation, her graying brows drawing down over her eyes, her bottom lip worried under her teeth as she considered what to say next.

“They were looking for something called Kyber, the heart of a dying star. There had been rumors that it could do things so far beyond the scope of what was already known. In conjunction with dark spells, it was said that it might even be powerful enough to alter death. They wanted to use it to bring Palpatine back,” she said, so softly that Ben had to lean forward in order to hear her.

He hadn’t known the specifics of what they needed, or how they would achieve it, but he knew they wanted Palpatine back. That rumor lingered over the years, especially since not all of his followers had been apprehended at the end of the Great War. Even less so more recently. This stain had been growing in the shadows, allowed to take root on the cursed soil of the hatred sown before.

“What happened after that, how did you end up here?” Hux asked, finally finding his voice.

“They didn’t appreciate my assumption that I had been released from my bond, even though Palpatine was dead. They questioned my loyalty to the cause. They compelled me to do their bidding with the Imperius curse. I fought back as much as I could. At that point they started switching between curses to keep the terror fresh,” she paused, and Ben could see her chest trembling with each breath. 

“I was tasked with using my position in the Ministry in the Magical Maintenance Department to try and get more information. No one really pays attention to the custodians, so they figured I’d be ears on the ground. Eventually I told them to stop doubting my loyalties and agreed to help,” Kreia admitted.

Ben sucked a breath between his teeth, the grimace involuntary.

“What they failed to realize was that my loyalty belonged to another, and had for over two decades,” She said.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi helped me get my first job after the war, through the years he saw to it that I lived a simple and comfortable life. I’m sure that he figured out who I really was, eventually. Such a shrewd man wouldn’t be fooled forever. Once I had the crux of their plan, I went to him and told him everything,” Kreia said, her face folding into sad wrinkles, her mouth pulled down in sorrow.

“I was too late for some of them, of course. The Loyalists had kidnapped people of interest, trying to get information. Ministry workers, mostly. Eventually they branched out further and threatened their family members. A few in this very ward were just unlucky to get swept up in the anarchy,” Kreia looked pained, and Ben thought of Tivik in particular.

They lived on the same floor, mere rooms from one another. They had to be at least somewhat familiar with each other’s stories, if they ever dared speak them aloud. Ben’s thoughts were pulled to the waiting room on the other side of the door.

“Kenobi stepped in, his Aurors arresting all the people that I was aware of, and the others that were congregated at the Nexus Point. They planned to do the resurrection there, once they found the object. The spot was supposed to be one so steeped in magic that it leaked from the ground and amplified all the magic within those chambers,” Her chest shuddered with an uneasy breath.

“Have you heard anything new? I’m going to level with you here. We aren’t quite sure why we’re being told to investigate this again. If Kenobi shut it down…” Ben admitted, even though it would get him in trouble, even though he was sure Hux would berate and report him for doing so.

“Kenobi is one man. Powerful and clever, yes, but what chance does he have against an underground army? I am sure they have amassed in secret, waiting. Evil like that doesn’t just lay down and die, it infects first. You gentlemen best be careful,” she warned and Ben’s thoughts ran unbidden to Rey again.

He could still hear her voice telling him the same.

With each interview his anxiety had climbed. With Kreia it reached a breaking point.

“Why are you telling us this now?” Hux asked, suspicion clear on his face.

“What do you mean?” She asked and Ben felt his heart shudder within his chest.

No. No. No.

Please keep your mouth shut. He begged.

“Exactly what I said,” Hux answered, his tone droll.

“I reported all of this last time and was promised protection for the part I played in ending it. Kenobi assured me that I would be safe,” Kreia said.

Ben hoped that nothing else came out. This he could excuse, he could talk it away.

“Witness protection. Kenobi must have removed her from the incident reports in order to protect her from backlash or attack. He had her alias listed as a victim, he kept the proof of her being there, but perhaps at the time her testimony was too dangerous to have in these files,” Ben said, hoping that what he said made enough sense that Hux would leave it alone.

“Why would he do that? Our department would have needed this information,” Hux argued.

“You heard Snoke. He suspects there may have been corruption at the time. If Kenobi suspected the same I’m sure he would have done what he could to protect innocents,” Ben said, almost holding his breath for Hux’s response.

Some karmic demon must have reared its head here. Why else would he be tasked with investigating a case he was directly involved in? One that blew up his whole life.

Why else would Hux, the only Auror with the power and ability to take Ben down… the only Auror that knew him well enough to notice any eccentricities, be his partner on this?

And why, for the love of god, would he have to face her again?

He deserved this. It was his punishment. Ben thought that exiling himself from her, doggedly pursuing justice for others when he couldn’t do it for himself, was payment enough for his crimes.

Apparently not.

His only hope was that this would be the last time he ever had to see her. She was his biggest weakness, a reminder of the life he’d had and lost. Rey represented a different time, a different man. Ben was no good to her now, not that he’d ever been before.

Memories swirled within his mind, roiling, angry. He’d suppressed them for so long that they had nowhere else to go.

Ben had to get out of there, now.

“Thank you for your time, Kreia. This has been very helpful. Do you think there’s anything else you’d like to add before we erase your memories?” Ben asked, his voice strangely tight.

“They’ve got an inside person, somewhere in the Ministry, I’m sure. I was their person last time; they will try again. Do not trust anyone, even people within your department. Nowhere is safe,” Kreia said, her dark eyes blazing with the warning.

She reached out her hand to lay it over Ben’s, stilling the clenching and unclenching.

“I see the panic in you. I know you understand the gravity of this. I hope you succeed but I’ll pray for your protection nevertheless. You’re our only hope,” she said and squeezed his hand, papery skin dry against his, and pulled away.

Kreia closed her eyes, waiting for them to relieve her of her memories from this encounter in order to guarantee her safety, and their own.

Ben lifted his wand, making a flicking motion in her direction and uttered, “obliviate!” concentrating on removing them from her mind. She kept her eyes closed, apparently asleep, and Ben removed the wards from the room. Slowly, each layer peeled away and brought them back into the nakedness of the hospital.

They left the room quietly, Hux tucking his notes into his case and the case under his arm. He did not look pleased. Ben didn’t blame him. Had he been in the reverse position Ben would be chomping at the bit with this new information, livid that something so important could have been left out of the reports, or removed.

Ben walked toward the double doors at the end of the long hallway, trying to escape before his mask fell apart completely.

“Mr. Solo!” he heard from behind him, Rey’s voice echoing across the floor and piercing him in the chest. Her heeled shoes clacked against the stone as she rushed toward them, slight puffs of breath escaping her mouth in her hurry.

Ben turned toward her, reluctantly. He didn’t want to do this. Every second that he saw her was painful, if he hung around any longer he may just sink into tears at her feet.

Her hair was escaping the tidy knot at her neck, pink cheeks the proof of her brief exertion. The dress did little for her figure, but then again it wasn’t supposed to. She looked tired, and sad, and he hated that for her.

His mind brought forth another image of her, one from three years ago after the attack, and he knew that even this was better than the alternative.

“Yes, Miss Niima?” He asked, trying to keep his voice from cracking under the strain of his emotions.

She skittered to a stop beside him, Hux behind them both, taking his time.

“You’re leaving?” She asked, her head tilted up to look him in the eye. Ben just nodded, not trusting his voice while she stood so close, the ember of his love for her catching in his chest.

“But, you didn’t interview me,” Rey protested and Ben felt alarm prickle across the back of his neck.

Did she remember?

“I beg your pardon?” He asked, the question barely above a whisper.

“You said you needed to interview staff, to get a better idea of the condition of the patients, the medical issues they endure…” she finished, her statement petering out as she realized he didn’t even remember saying that to her.

“Uh, yes. Of course. Unfortunately, we’re done here for the day, but I’m sure we can arrange to do your interview at another time,” he offered, knowing full well that he had no intention of ever stepping foot here again, least of all to talk to her.

“Here,” she said, sticking her hand out to him, a small piece of paper folded up in her grasp. “For the interview,” Rey clarified.

Ben took the scrap of paper from her hand, unraveling it to reveal her tight, neat handwriting. It took him longer than it should have to realize that it held her personal information. Name, Address, even a muggle phone number.

He tucked the paper into his pocket and swallowed hard before responding.

“Thank you, we’ll be in touch,” Ben said and left without another word.

Hux caught up to him outside of the building, the briefcase swinging by his side, freckled knuckles white from how tightly he held on to it.

“We need to talk,” Hux hissed at him and Ben merely lifted an eyebrow for him to continue.

“Something is definitely going on here. My own notes have almost doubled what was in these case files. Either someone didn’t investigate this properly or this has been heavily redacted, without so much as a word. Don’t you think that’s strange?” Hux asked, the question almost like a challenge.

“Of course, I think it’s strange. But you’d think that after two years as an Auror for the ministry you’d have learnt when to keep your mouth shut in public. We’re out on the fucking street, dealing with a conspiracy that either never existed or has carried on right under our noses!” Ben said, trying hard to keep his voice from rising.

The black feelings and memories from so long ago were fighting inside of him and the urge to lash out at Hux in order to relieve some of it was almost impossible to ignore.

“We don’t know who we can trust. I’m not sure if we can trust Snoke or Kenobi himself. Fact of the matter is, we can’t present information we don’t have. We can’t give Snoke a definitive answer until we know what it is. So, I suggest you follow a few more leads before you jump the gun and jeopardize this whole mission!” Ben said, his anger seeping out despite his best efforts.

The muscle in Hux’s jaw jumped once, twice, before he took a deep breath and responded.

“I don’t appreciate you taking that tone with me. It’s perfectly reasonable to question what’s going on here. I understand that we shouldn’t discuss this openly, that was my mistake. We’ll meet back up in the morning and go over what we find, but I think it’s best that we separate for the rest of the night. Get yourself under control, Solo!” Hux admonished and Ben knew he was right.

Splitting up would be the best course of action for them, in order to avoid Ben’s fist meeting Hux’s jaw. Ben didn’t realize just how much time had passed while they were in the hospital. The sun sat low in the sky, and although Ben knew it was autumn and the days grew shorter, it had still been the majority of the day.

Ben nodded, jaw tight, nostrils flaring and watched Hux apparate away. Ben hoped it wasn’t back to the office. He wanted to be there when Hux presented their findings, he had to if there was any chance he could maintain the ruse.

He looked around the abandoned street, copper leaves dancing along in the breeze, his stomach aching with hunger. Ben couldn’t let go of that last look at her, flushed and staring up at him with the widest hazel eyes, eyes he used to lose himself in.

Ben knew he should go home, get a bite to eat and calm himself, but the dark part of him… the one that desperately needed release felt otherwise.

He apparated to the factory, now abandoned. The Ministry had thought it best that it move operations elsewhere, before any more employees got hurt or killed for being at the wrong place.

Sunset glared across the small window panes, giving the appearance that the building was on fire. Ben followed the path around the building, to the now-overgrown “green space” that Tivik had mentioned.

They hadn’t brought Ben in through here, he’d been unconscious and unable to return to this place because he never knew where it was, until now. When Kenobi got them out Ben had glimpsed part of the name on the building, he wanted to return many times. At Kenobi’s urging he had left it alone, until now.

Ben cast counterspells, thinking of any that would work against a ward. None worked. Whoever had covered up had done a better job than the Loyalists. Probably Kenobi, he thought and then an idea struck him.

Obi-Wan had favorite spells, and was a trickster in his younger years, it was possible Ben had already removed the concealment charm but Obi-Wan might have enchanted the cover to look like something else.

Another idea came to mind, suddenly, bursting from Ben’s memory as if it had been hidden until now, and he realized that Kenobi had cast the Fidelius charm on Ben. Obi-Wan hid the secret of the entrance until the right person, the keeper, was to reveal it. He must have altered it from Ben’s mind until the memory was triggered, and with that the opening appeared mere feet from where he stood.

Ben dropped down into the tunnel, the sound of his feet hitting the ground muted and he was surprised to find that it was just packed earth, and not the cement that he’d been expecting.

The tip of his wand glowed with faint light, his whispered “lumos” barely audible. Ben didn’t want to get lost the way Tivik had, and there was no screaming voice to guide him.

Not that he would have needed it anyway. The ground practically vibrated with energy, a steady thrum that Ben could feel all the way up his legs into his core. He followed the force within the earth, the strength of it increasing the further he walked.

After a few minutes he found the chamber. It felt so hollow now, cold and strange. The magic in this place was wilder than Ben was used to, unpredictable. The way all wizards were without a wand to channel their magic. If anyone tried to use this nexus in its current state the magic would explode out like a firework.

Being down here, seeing the blood that still stained the walls, Ben’s resolve crumbled. The horrors that he had held onto all these years finally burst free from his mind and sent him spiraling into the past.

Memories assailed him from all sides: his pain at being tortured, refusing to tell them anything about the Ministry. The agonizing cries of the colleagues that had been taken as well; the labored breathing of the person strung up beside him… followed by the gurgling sound of the man drowning in his own blood. Hemothorax, he could almost hear Rey say. He’d learned so much medical terminology from her, it had seemed ridiculous to think of it as he heard someone die beside him.

He knew what came next.

Ben remembered blacking out at that point and then waking to see them torturing Rey. Her shrieks had cut through all other sounds, piercing in their intensity. She had begged them to stop in the moments between curses, they just laughed and carried on again.

At one point they had tried to compel her into harming herself while Ben watched, but Rey fought against the Imperius curse, as weak as she was. Eventually they had tired of her resistance and lit up her nerve endings with more pain.

Ben knew he must have tried to speak, tried to get them to stop but he’d been beaten and wounded so severely that he could barely stay conscious. He remembered thinking that their priorities must have shifted from trying to gain information, to just wanting to inflict pain.

The horror of that night drove Ben to his knees as he now stood in the empty chamber, his hands digging into the soil, dirt embedding itself under his fingernails.

Stop. Stop. Please. He begged, though he couldn’t say who.

The feel of the cold dirt was enough to pull him from the assault of the past. Salty tears streamed down his face, warm against the stinging cold of the underground chamber.

Thank god he was able to ground himself before the worst recollections from that night took hold. He never wanted to go there again, never wanted to see it ever again. Ben had almost begged Kenobi to obliviate those memories from his own mind, but he knew he needed them… as a reminder to stay far away from Rey. Just because he needed them, didn’t mean he could bear them.

Ben gasped in a shuddering breath, sobs he hadn’t even noticed racking through his body, a strange keening sound escaping his lips. He forced his eyes shut.

Stop. Breathe. Focus. He repeated to himself, an almost useless mantra. Ben tried to regain control, attempting Occlumency. The result was enough to calm the demons that roared in his mind, but should anyone push back against those paper-thin walls right now, he would crumble.

A moment before Ben opened his eyes, he felt the pressure of a wand pressed directly to the back of his neck. He’d been so overcome with emotion that he didn’t notice someone else enter the chamber. Ben had felt so sure that the Fidelus protected the entrance that he failed to protect himself, or consider the possibility of another way in.

“Don’t move,” he said, pushing the point of his wand in deeper against Ben’s skin.

Ben stilled, trying to relax as much as possible so that he’d be perceived as less of a threat.

“It was a big mistake coming back here,” the voice continued, slightly muffled by what Ben assumed must be a mask. Ben would not give this man anything, no information, no reaction.

“Though it is a shame you didn’t bring your wife,” the voice spat at Ben and his composure was lost.

Ben rolled out of the way, on his feet and facing his opponent with his wand drawn within seconds.

Red sparks flashed from his opponent’s wand and Ben’s wand hand flew up to block the spell. Ben deflected, shooting off his own offensive spell, trying to disarm the masked man. None of his face was visible, a small sliver cut into the metal at the eyes.

“You stay the fuck away from her!” Ben yelled, before he cast ‘Stupefy’ in an attempt to stun his attacker but the blow was thwarted.

“Don’t worry, we’ll finish the job this time,” the masked man said and caught Ben off guard, his emotions impeding him, too slow to dodge the spell.

Deep cuts spread on his skin, wounds bleeding heavily and Ben realized his attacker had cast Sectumsempra, a dark curse. Ben would bleed out within half an hour if he didn’t get this seen to, fast.

His attacker seemed happy with what he had done, pausing for a moment to revel in Ben’s pain. Just long enough for Ben to mutter “Confringo”, the impact of the spell hitting his opponent in the torso, followed by an explosion.

Ben wasn’t sure if he’d killed him, but even if he hadn’t the damage was surely severe. His vision started hazing, black spots filling his eyesight and he pulled the scrap of paper from his pocket in desperation.

The last thing he saw as he apparated was her name and address, and then the world swallowed him whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terms, Spells and People that may be unfamiliar in this chapter:   
> [Imperius Curse](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Imperius_Curse)  
> [Ferreider](http://frisian.english-dictionary.help/?q=traitor)  
> [Wards](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Protection_Charm)  
> [Obliviate](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Memory_Charm)  
> [Kreia](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kreia)  
> [Kyber](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kyber_crystal)  
> [Magical Maintenance Department](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Magical_Maintenance_Department)  
> [Counter Spell](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Counter-spell)  
> [Fidelius Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Fidelius_Charm)  
> [Lumos](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Wand-Lighting_Charm)  
> [Hemothorax](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemothorax#:~:text=A%20hemothorax%20\(derived%20from%20hemo,and%20a%20rapid%20heart%20rate.)  
> [Vermillious Tria](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Vermillious_Tria)  
> [Expelliarmus](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Disarming_Charm)  
> [Stupefu](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Stunning_Spell)  
> [Sectumsempra](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Sectumsempra)  
> [Confringo](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Blasting_Curse)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks as usual to my fantastic betas @AuroraReylo and @Love_andbalance for the encouragement and guidance!
> 
> This scene contains a lot of discussion around wounds and blood, so as usual please be mindful of the tags if this is something that will bother you.
> 
> I've decided to add footnotes with links to some of the names and spells that I mention in each chapter, so those less familiar with the setting can have more insight and explanation. Chapters 1 through 3 have also been edited to include these. If I missed something please let me know in the comments and I will be sure to add it. Thanks again lovely readers for taking the time to read, leave kudos or comment on my work, it's a huge boost and keeps me going!

Chapter 4

The image of those dark waves and that broad back walking away from her stuck in Rey’s mind for far longer than she cared to admit. The rest of her shift seemed to move at an infinitesimal speed, like she was wading through a tub of jelly.

Hmm, I could go for a jelly and custard right now. The thought came unbidden and Rey realized she’d skipped lunch completely in the midst of all the investigation chaos. She still felt flushed, the warmth in her cheeks hadn’t left since she’d handed him her information on the strip of lined paper she’d torn from the clerk’s notepad.

She felt silly, like a young girl in the throes of her first crush.

This isn’t like that. She reminded herself. This was for his interview only.

It had nothing to do with how devastating he was, how he seemed to swallow up the space around him, his eyes cutting through and unraveling her composure.

Rey made it through the last of her day, seeing to her patients and calming their nerves to the best of her ability, but she knew there was no respite for them. After hearing some of what they had endured she understood. They had suffered terribly, their minds and bodies fragile from the darkness they survived.

She always thought she would have been an Emergency nurse, and wanted to do her best to help and heal those in need, where the care was for most acute cases. The Janus Thickey Ward hadn’t even been on her radar. The ward matron had requested her from downstairs a little under three years ago, just after she finished her studies, and Rey found it a better fit than she ever imagined.

She’d always had a proficiency for fixing broken things, had even considered being a mechanic or engineer, but machines paled in comparison to the fulfilment she found helping those in need. The patients in this ward needed the most care, so many of them having been abandoned by family that couldn’t bear their conditions, or bereft because of all the death surrounding them.

They were like her. Forgotten. Alone.

So, she did what she could to take those feelings away, to see to it that they had a constant in their lives. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t as simple as wand waving and healing potions, and never seeing that patient again.

Your own little fucked up family that can never leave, her mind mocked and she cringed at the thought. It wasn’t like that. Not really. She knew this was just a job, but she still cared, maybe more than she should at times… but she could separate work from her personal life. No matter how pathetic that personal life may be.

The few friends she’d had at school were on their own paths, years stretching between them, the chasm grew with the passage of time until there was nothing except memories to keep her company. Other orphans that she’d known from the group home at Unkar Plutt’s were too eager to leave that life behind, to forget they’d ever graced those filthy, tiny rooms.

Rey was lonely. It was nothing new. But it chafed more these days, becoming increasingly insufferable.

Perhaps that’s why she’d been so drawn to Ben. He had that same lonely look in his eyes that she’d seen in her own, late at night when she stared at her face in the mirror until it became a stranger.

The sigh that left her chest was unexpected, usually she did a better job of masking her emotions at work, but the matron noticed.

“Miss Niima, your shift ended ten minutes ago. There’s no need for you to keep sorting these charts. The night nurse should be here any moment, I’ll be sure to see to the hand-off. Go home and take a nice hot bath, you look like you could use it,” she said, her voice kinder than Rey was accustomed to.

The older woman always looked severe, her hair scraped back into the prerequisite bun, never a strand out of place. Her green uniform was pressed and starched to perfection. She didn’t suffer fools and expected exemplary work from all her staff. Rey respected her, but they’d never been friendly.

She nodded, eager to rid her nose of the sting of antiseptic that barely covered acerbic vomit, and the musk of those bed-bound, tinctures and salves on their bodies to help with bedsores. Then there was the appeal of soaking away the ache that settled on her after a long day. If she hadn’t seen her own birth certificate, she would have sworn she was older than twenty-five just by how her joints felt after a shift.

Rey gathered up her keys and handbag from her cubby-hole and stepped into the chimney to travel back home. Green flames once again engulfed her body, as they did every day, twice a day. The light dusting of soot at the back of her throat caused her to cough a few times once she stepped from the hearth into her living room.

She’d never quite gotten used to the feeling of apparition, and avoided it whenever she could, and at least with the Floo powder she could transport herself straight into either building. Apparating into the hospital was frowned upon heavily, after a Mr. Ackbar apparated to the hospital after getting his face turned into a red aquatic animal, reminiscent of a squid. He’d miscalculated his arrival area and landed in the bathroom of an elderly patient taking a shower. Her heart attack and resultant death led to travel reforms.

The hospital was full of stories like that, rules that had to be implemented after disaster struck. Rey felt lucky that she had escaped relatively unharmed throughout it all. The thoughts of the hospital faded away as she took in her little home.

She couldn’t wait to sink into scalding hot water and wash the day from her skin. She tried her best to stay clean at work but the smell of vomit and sweat still clung to her, cloying and almost nauseating.

Her flat was cold and dark, and Rey eyed the old radiator with suspicion. The usual creak and sputter were missing, no heat pulsing from the metal the way it should. She was getting really tired of having to fix everything in the old flat that kept falling apart. Her landlord was one of Plutt’s friends, and just as much of a dickhead, so he was no help. The part she needed for it was still on backorder and her tinkering could only do so much, she feared this time it would do nothing at all.

She turned on the soft fairy lights that she’d purchased at the muggle store, they'd seemed festive and happy, and cast a warm glow in the living room that made it feel more like a home. Rey walked over to the bathroom and was happy to find that although the radiator was acting up the geyser still seemed to be working. Hot water spilled out of the tap, cascading over her fingers like a waterfall as she tested the temperature.

Rey poured the viscous liquid of her bubble bath into the rush of water, watching frothy orbs form on the surface, the room filling with steam and the scent of eucalyptus. Her fingers loosened plastic buttons, the uniform dropping from her shoulders to pool around her feet. Underwear and her hair tie joined the pile once the bath was filled to her satisfaction and she stepped in.

Heat pricked her feet, skin already pinking from the temperature of the water, the sting somewhere between painful and pleasant. Rey sunk into the foam-covered water and let out a deep breath, her neck and back finally relaxing.

She stayed there longer than she should have, her fingers and toes pruning, the water cooling until she was forced to wash herself. Fingertips worked jasmine and cedarwood suds through her long brown hair, her body shiny she’d scrubbed it so thoroughly. Once the last of the soap had been rinsed from her body, Rey stepped out of the tub and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel.

She had fantasies sometimes, of a partner that put the towel in the tumble dryer just before she got out, so that she could wrap herself in a warm cloud of fabric.

Maybe one day, she hoped, but only within the privacy of her mind.

Thick pajamas were necessary tonight, and thicker socks if she could find them. Autumn was in full swing, winter just around the corner. Perhaps it was time Rey invested in a down comforter, instead of the ragged old quilt that was folded over her bed.

She’d no sooner pulled the pajama shirt over her head and fastened the towel to her wet hair when she heard a booming thud come from outside her bedroom. Too close to be from the neighbors, too loud to be something benign. Rey pulled her wand, holding it close to her chest as she opened the door a crack and peeked through the sliver into the living room.

Her heart stuttered to a stop in her chest when she saw it.

A large man, writhing on the floor in what she assumed was pain, blood hemorrhaging from multiple lacerations on his body. She only saw his feet, the soles of very large black boots.

Rey stepped closer, her hand flying up to her mouth in a gasp when she recognized him.

Ben was barely clinging to consciousness, grumbling out her name before his muscles relaxed and his head flopped to the side.

Oh god…

Oh no!

The floor seemed to swim around her, and she clutched the top of her couch for stability, her body frozen in panic as it waited for her mind to catch up. Finally, after what felt like far too long, her training kicked in and she rushed to the bathroom to grab towels and her first aid kit.

She knew it would be little help against the degree of blood loss he was experiencing but she had to do what she could to staunch the flow. His breath came in short gasps, little puffs from between lips almost as dark as the blood that stained the wood floors. His skin was too pale, blue veins visible through it, branching down his neck.

She ripped the shirt he was wearing, buttons popping and spinning away from her, the broad slab of his chest dissected by multiple slashes that wept blood. It pulsed out of him with each heartbeat.

Rey pressed a towel to the deepest cut against his side, his skin clammy and cool under her hand, sweat beading on his forehead. He looked sickly, the grey pallor concerning, and she felt tears swell in her eyes unexpectedly.

She couldn’t explain why she struggled to keep her calm, why her years of training melted away as she knelt beside his body, her knees wet with slick red.

Focus, damn you. Focus!

Rey grabbed her wand where it lay on the floor, pointing it at one of the cuts on his chest.

“Episky!” she tried but the flesh did not mend. These wounds were not responding to basic magic and she needed to know what did this so she would be able to treat him accordingly.

She doubted that she’d be able to wake him, given how much blood he’d lost, but she tried anyway, choking out “Rennervate,” between her trembling lips and the vise at her throat.

His eyelids fluttered, his brow creasing and he managed to open his eyes. Those irises were so dark she couldn’t tell whether or not his pupils were blown in the low light of the decorative strands.

“Ben,” she gasped, “What happened to you? I need to know because you’re not healing right!” she finished, hoping some of what she was saying penetrated.

His gaze was so bleary, unfocused, eyes already half shut again. She gave him a small shake, desperation clawing up her chest.

“Ben!” she tried again.

“Sectumsempra,” he slurred before he sunk into unconsciousness again, and she understood.

It was a dark spell, rare and very dangerous. The only reported cases she’d read about had been cast by dark wizards. She’d never seen a real case in person, and now it was here, in her living room.

The metallic tang of his blood filled her nostrils, the relaxing scents of her bath long forgotten. She couldn’t remember the fucking healing spell…

“Accio!” she shouted, a thick volume shooting from her bookshelf, her red-coated hand gripping the spine and she searched for what she was looking for. She found it near the end, a crude drawing displaying the potential damage of the spell. The illustration was a poor representation of the massacre beneath her.

She laid the book down behind her with shaky hands and pointed the tip of her wand at his chest once more.

“Vulnera Sanentur!” she said, swishing her wand and saying the spell with as much force and clarity as she could.

Her first attempt stemmed the flow of blood. At least she chose to believe that it was the spell working and not the very real possibility that he’d lost a catastrophic amount of blood, and the supply was nearing its end.

Rey repeated the incantation again, the words cracking out of her throat, emotion suffocating and crushing.

The skin knitted itself closer together, wounds shrinking in size and relief hit her so hard she felt almost light-headed. A hysterical giggle bubbled up through her lips, the sound too loud in the room.

The third time she attempted the spell his chest was nothing more than a patchwork of angry pink lines, the barest of scabs coating the cuts, no longer bleeding. Rey stood up on shaky legs and stumbled to the bathroom, filling the bucket she kept under the sink for leaks, soaking a wash cloth with warm water. She added some Dettol for good measure, magic and science, anything that could help.

The sloshing of liquid as she walked and her harsh breathing seemed noisy to her ears, and she splashed some water on the bathroom floor in her haste. She sunk back down onto her knees beside him, the cool wetness of the blood causing a shiver to snake its way up her spine.

Rey stroked the cloth over his torso, trying to clean up as much of it as she could before she applied the tincture of dittany. Her small hand dipped the cloth into the bucket so many times she lost count, the rhythm of the task almost soothing, wiping away more and more each time until she was satisfied with her progress.

Her fingers dipped into the pot of dittany and she smoothed the paste onto his skin, focused on the inflamed lines, in the hope that it would prevent scarring and infection.

By the time she’d covered each wound his skin had shifted from that scary shade of grey, the pallor was still concerning, his lips no longer red but purplish. It didn’t help that her flat was freezing, a fact she’d forgotten while she saw to his treatment.

She slipped his arms from the sleeves of his shirt, loosened the laces of his black boots, pulling them from his large feet. She unbuttoned his trousers and struggled to pull the fabric down. Rey hoped he would forgive her, but she had to get rid of these bloody clothes, or at least clean them.

Worry overwhelmed any curiosity she had about his body, she couldn’t think of that whisper of interest she’d entertained earlier when half of his blood volume was outside of his body, staining her skin and floor.

She stepped back and used her wand to levitate him, there was no way she’d be able to lift that massive body on her own. His back was still coated with red and so she struggled to wash the blood from his skin and keep him safely up in the air. By the time she finished her own body was covered in a layer of sweat, shaking from exertion even though the magic was doing most of the work.

He floated in front of her, clad in his underwear, inky lashes resting on his cheekbones, his breath coming in even rushes. She led him over into her bedroom, pulling the quilt back so that it was out of the way and released him from the spell once he was on the bed.

White knuckles gripped the fabric of the quilt, covering his cold body with the threadbare fabric and she wished she had something warmer for him. She touched the back of her hand to his forehead, his temperature slightly cooler than normal but preferable to the fiery feel of a fever.

Ben would not wake for a while, of that she was certain, so she left the room with the door open and set about cleaning up the mess before the damage was permanent.

The muttered “Scourgify,” was enough to scrub the floor of the reddish-brown ring that had spread from around his body. She stripped down for the second time this evening, gathering up Ben’s clothes as well, and she rinsed them until the run-off was only slightly pink before she threw the bundle into the washing machine.

There was no time for a bath again, so Rey settled for a steaming shower, scrubbing the crusty blood from the creases of her knuckles and under her fingernails. Salty tears mingled with the hot spray, and she finally gave in to the feelings that had stunned her earlier.

Sobs wracked her small frame, the sound muffled by the fist that she pressed against her teeth, fear like a caged wild animal in her chest, tearing its way free. She couldn’t say why she cared so much, why the image of him half-dead on her floor was enough to make her neglect years of nursing skills and training. She’d acted no better than a family member at first, and Rey barely stumbled her way through the rest of it. If the matron had seen her act like that in the hospital she would have been sacked.

Still, the thought of him dying… of him hurting, affected her so strongly she felt like she was going insane.

It was a long day. It happened in a setting that was supposed to be a safe space. That’s all. She tried to convince herself, and she knew it was partially true, but there was more to it than she was willing to put a name to.

Her feet found the cold tile as she stepped out of the tub for the second time tonight, her warm pajamas no longer an option. Rey peeked into the room, Ben was still very unconscious, so she snuck in to get some new clothes. She settled on a pair of joggers and a long sleeve t-shirt that she’d gotten for free at some or other sporting event. The team’s name had faded long ago, the faintest outline of the number eight still lingered on the back.

Not long after she had finished dressing, as she pulled a pair of socks onto her feet, sitting on the edge of her bed… she heard him whisper something.

Rey walked to the side of the bed and bent down to hear him.

“Rey,” he whispered.

“I’m right here,” she soothed, placing her hand on his shoulder to try and reassure him.

His breathing picked up, almost ragged and she was shocked to realize he was crying.

“Ben, it’s okay. You’re safe,” she said and the frown on his face coupled with the slight tremor of his chin almost did her in.

“Rey,” he said again, more urgent.

“I’m here. I’m right here,” she said, stroking her thumb against his skin, slow circles to calm him down.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded, his huge hand coming up to cover hers where it rested on him.

“Ben, you need to rest. You’ve been through an ordeal. Your body needs to heal. I’ll be right out in the living room,” she promised, hoping that it would be enough to stop the tears that slipped from the corners of his eyes and fell down the sides of his face onto the pillow.

“No,” he said, fearful, his voice sounding impossibly young given how deep it was. “Stay,” he begged and Rey felt something inside of her break.

He had come here, she assumed because he was in far more danger than she could imagine, it must not have been safe for him to go to the hospital. Why else would he have appeared in her home and not there where they were better equipped to help?

“Ben…” she struggled, not sure how to say no to him, not sure why she desperately didn’t want to even though she knew she should.

It was fucking cold in the flat, she’d freeze her arse off sleeping on the couch and probably catch a chill in the process. He was injured and recovering, nothing untoward was going to happen, even though she knew he was barely dressed under the quilt.

At least she was covered from top to toe, no danger here. She practically swam in the baggy clothes.

“I’m going to regret this in the morning,” she muttered and walked around to the other side of the bed, slipping under the quilt and trying to put as much distance as she could between them. Despite the fact that she was fully dressed she shivered. He radiated heat from the other side of the bed, and she knew that if she reached her arm out, she could touch him.

Exhaustion settled over her, the adrenaline from earlier long gone from her body and Rey felt like she was about to crash. Eyelids leaden, she closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep, waiting to start the corrosive routine all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Jelly and Custard](https://www.womensweeklyfood.com.au/recipes/jelly-custard-cups-14399) I'll admit this is mostly borrowed from my own childhood in South Africa, it's like a lazier and easier version of a trifle, and a little cheaper too. I thought it would make sense for Rey to crave a simple dessert after a long day.  
> [Unkar Plutt](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Unkar_Plutt)  
> [Matron](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Matron)  
> [Cubby-Hole](https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/cubby-hole)  
> [Ackbar](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Gial_Ackbar/Legends)  
> [Episkey](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Episkey)  
> [Rennervate](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Reviving_Spell)  
> [Accio](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Summoning_Charm)  
> [Vulnera Sanetur](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Vulnera_Sanentur)  
> [Dettol](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dettol) Another muggle thing that I borrowed from personal experience. Dettol is a very popular UK antiseptic that is widely used in South Africa as well  
> [Dittany](https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Muggles%27_Guide_to_Harry_Potter/Magic/Dittany)  
> [Levitation](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Levitation_Charm)  
> [Scourgify](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Scouring_Charm)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my beta @Love_andbalance for helping me with this chapter, as well as brainstorming future stuff *insert Elmo fire GIF* LOL
> 
> This chapter isn't very trigger heavy but there's a LOT of angst, we are fully aboard the Ben Solo Pain Train and have left the station. 
> 
> The response I've gotten for this has been phenomenal, the comments especially have helped keep me super motivated! So, I hope you all will be happy with this update, because you are the reason I was driven to get it written ASAP :)
> 
> Also if any of you are interested in connecting with me on social media: my Twitter is @TristenCrone

Chapter 5

_Her laugh bubbled up between them, effervescent and contagious as his massive hands touched with the barest of whispers, caught in the curve of her waist and tickling with extra care._

_“Ben…” she snorted, the laugh overtaking her, the harsh sound unexpected and all the more amusing in its surprise._

_His chest vibrated with his own throaty chuckle, free and unbridled here in the privacy of their home, the two of them tangled in the soft down comforter. The sun slanted in lazily, almost as pathetic as them on this Sunday morning, weak wintery warmth toasting the square of light on the floors._

_“Hmmm?” he asked, looking down at her with a feigned innocence, giving her the barest of seconds to recover before he honed in on the next spot that he knew would elicit that bell-like laugh that he lived for. God she was beautiful, chestnut hair splayed out around her head, pale freckles dotting a nose that was currently scrunched up with trying to contain her glee._

_“Stop, please!” She begged, without much power to the request, giggles slipping through as she tried to look serious. Her face smoothed out carefully, a deep breath rolling through her chest as she composed herself. Hazel eyes trained themselves on his, sparkling with repressed mirth, trying hard for solemnity._

_Ben made a show of pouting, rolling away from her onto his back, and crossing thick arms across his bare chest. She gave a long-suffering sigh and tugged on his forearm._

_“Don’t be like that. I just needed to take a moment, all that cackling without a break made it hard to breathe, and the shaking laughs made me a little nauseous,” she explained, gentle and patient, and far better than he deserved._

_Ben’s fake sulking twisted to concern and he turned to face his wife, drinking in every inch of her, checking to see that she was well. He couldn’t stand it if something he did caused her harm. The thought of her not breathing was enough to send his heart stuttering in his chest. Her cheeks were paler than usual, new shadows staining the faintest of hollows beneath her eyes. She hadn’t been sleeping well the last few weeks. Something else he was responsible for, another reason to feel guilty._

_“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, draping his arm across her body to pull her tighter into his chest, fingertips trailing soothing patterns into her back._

_“It’s okay. Ben, really. I’m not going to break if you touch me,” she said, her slender hand coming up to push an errant strand of black hair off of his forehead, palm cupping his cheek in an effort to smooth the worry from his face._

_She looked at him like he was the answer to every question she’d ever had._

_“I just… I couldn’t stand it if anything happened,” he admitted, the fear that had been coursing beneath the surface these last few weeks finally breaking the surface of his stony façade._

_“Nothing is going to happen to me. I’m not going anywhere, Ben. We’re going to be fine,” she promised and it was almost enough to silence the roar that threatened to pull him under._

_It was perfect. They were perfect. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. They took turns doing this, catastrophizing every aspect of this newborn happiness they found themselves in. Rey worried that Ben would leave her, throw her away like her family had done. Ben never got over the feeling that he didn’t deserve this. That something this wonderful could never have been meant for him, and as such it was only a matter of time until it would be ripped away._

_She pressed soft lips to his, the faintest of winter chills setting their skin on edge, goosebumps forming where he caressed. Without breaking the kiss, he tugged on the edge of the blanket, enveloping them both in a cocoon of white cotton, the late-morning light dulled through layers of fabric._

_He would simply not let her leave. They’d bask here in the afterglow until the weather changed and the world went on without them. She’d be safe and content tucked up against his body, and he would spend every moment showing her how in awe he was… how shatteringly grateful that someone like her had deemed him worthy. His Rey. His for as long as she would have him._

Ben woke slowly, the dream so much sweeter than the ones he’d become accustomed to. On the rare nights where his Occlumency failed him and the past snuck in like a thief to steal his sanity… the dreams had more of an edge to them. This one was a saccharine memory, so pleasant that it hurt.

He never let his mind wander to those weeks right before the attack, right before all his worst fears became the very reality he suffered now. All those promises had meant little against a force as dark as the Loyalists.

The thought of them bothered him, pushing him closer to consciousness, away from the misty haze of sleep. The events of the day before filtered in, staining one of his most precious memories and Ben struggled to open his eyes.

His body felt leaden, weighed down strangely on one side, overly hot given the time of year. He managed to pry his lashes open, glancing down at his chest where the heaviest of pressure was concentrated.

The scent hit him a second before the realization did: sweet spice and a tangle of chestnut hair spilling onto his bare chest.

Panic shot through his body. He’d lost his fucking mind. It was the only explanation he could come up with for how this could be happening. A sick and twisted joke, straight from the recesses of his mind, tormenting him with all that he couldn’t have. He was _hallucinating_ her now.

Still, he would have thought that having her splayed on his chest would have felt better than this. His skin protested the contact, pulling painfully, a deep ache throughout the muscles in his torso, like one big bruise.

He groaned in pain, the sound rumbling through his chest and she shot up in bed faster than he thought possible. Rey looked around with bleary confusion, eyes shadowed by lack of sleep, even worse than in his dream, sleep-crusted and alarmed when they settled on him and she realized what was going on.

“Oh no. Oh, I’m so sorry,” she floundered as consciousness rushed over her, her cheeks blazing.

“What a strange dream,” he mused to himself. It was the first time he’d woken to find himself inside another, though it was possible he supposed.

“What?” she asked, still fighting the confusion that came with waking unexpectedly.

“I said this is such a strange dream,” he repeated, searching her eyes for the acknowledgement he needed.

“Ben, what are you talking about? This isn’t a dream,” Rey said, her brows knitting together in concern, and she looked at him closer as if she was checking for something in particular.

“I don’t understand,” he said, hurt creeping into his voice, pain at the unfairness of this. Even in insanity he couldn’t just shut up and enjoy what little time he got.

“Ben, what is the last thing you remember from yesterday?” She asked, watching him intently for the answer.

He pushed himself up in bed, another moan of pain pulled from his mouth as his stomach muscles strained to support the movement. Ben was momentarily surprised to see angry, puckered lines on his chest, and then the night came back to him in a rush.

A man, a masked man had attacked him. He’d apparated here, apparently. Rey must have seen to his injuries, he thought as he ran a hand along the damage.

“I was attacked,” he answered finally.

She nodded, a flicker of pain crossing her face as she remembered the night before.

“What happened after that?” He asked her, curious as to how he’d gotten here: half-naked in a strange bed with a woman who didn’t know him… not anymore at least.

“You were bleeding, severely. I managed to find the right spell to heal you. I had to force a resuscitation spell in order for you to tell me what curse you were afflicted with. Sectumsempra… it shredded the shirt you were wearing, you bled through the rest of your clothes. I had to make sure the wounds were clean and no longer bleeding,” she explained, or tried to, stuttering her way through the explanation, cheeks on fire the entire time as she tried to avoid looking at his body.

“I levitated you over to the bed, and I was going to sleep on the couch but,” Rey trailed off, words escaping her.

“But what?” he asked, worried that something had gone wrong again.

“You, uh… kind of begged me to stay,” she admitted in a rush, tripping over the words in her haste to expel them.

Ben felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach, shame coating his skin like tar, regrets stuck to the surface so thick he wondered if they were visible to her.

“I’m so sorry, Rey. Truly. That was totally inappropriate. I don’t even know why I came here. I mean, I had your information in my pocket, and I was panicked. I couldn’t afford to go to the hospital, there would have been too many questions about my condition. But, still… I shouldn’t have shown up unannounced and bleeding on your floor,” he said, hoping that the words conveyed his apology and made up for the momentary weakness that brought him here.

They knew about Rey. Someone from that night had escaped or spoken out, and they still knew about her. If any of them followed his apparition he would have led them straight here. He failed to protect her three years ago and he was failing again.

“And now I find out I disrupted your whole evening and infringed upon your bed and your sleep. I apologize, sincerely,” he carried on, those tired circles under her eyes making him feel like the worst thing to walk this earth.

This hard-won peace that he’d tried so hard to provide for her… he was ruining it.

“Actually,” she said, her face contemplative, a small pucker between her brows, “last night was the first good sleep I’ve had… for as long as I can recall,” her expression twisted into a smile, sunny and joyful, and devastating.

She looked at him like he’d just become her favorite everything.

“Have you tried a sleeping draught?” Ben managed through the desert in his throat, finding it hard to swallow as she looked up at him all bright-eyes crinkled at the corners, and that dimple in her cheek. He could drown in that dimple, never emerge again and feel content.

“It’s not the falling asleep that I struggle with,” she said, her eyes dropping to where her hands rested in her lap. Slim fingers laced and unlaced, a nervous tic that she’d kept from a lifetime ago. “I have bad dreams,” she finished, spitting the words out as quickly as she could, as if by dispelling them she could forget they’d ever happened.

“Bad dreams about what?” he asked, tone gentle. Those sleepless bruises took on new meaning and he hated that something disturbed her.

“They don’t make much sense. It’s too confusing to make out most of the time, but when I wake up I remember fear, and pain,” she said, her voice small. “I’m being chased, I think, or hurt. There’s usually at least some screaming involved, and it always ends the same way,” Rey finished. A deep shuddering breath letting him know that this affected her more than she was letting on.

“How does it end?” he asked, knowing that he had no right to these questions, to this window into her life without him. She deserved as much safety and happiness as possible, and that could not include him.

“A voice I don’t recognize, but somehow I know it’s important. They scream my name over and over, and the sound is excruciating. I can tell they’ve been screaming for hours. The hoarse cry sounds so pained I can swear their throat is bleeding from the effort, but I can never reach out. No matter how hard I try, I don’t reach them in time. The blackness swallows me, endless, and I’m completely alone,” she said, finally looking up at him and he had to work hard to school his face into something resembling normal, when his entire sternum felt like it had been pried open with her bare hands.

 _That_ she remembers. Not the time they spent falling in love, the nights where he held her so close that he forgot where she began and he ended. Not their first sweet, shy kiss or the inferno that was their joining. No, he alone bore the burden of their love.

She carried the broken part of their relationship’s untimely demise.

This was his fault. Kenobi had warned him that removing memories with such weight to them might not take right. Kenobi had feared that she would remember Ben, that their love was too strong for magic to erase. It hurt that it was not the case. Instead, she was stuck with the worst night of her life, and still she tried to comfort him in her nightmares.

“That sounds terrible, I’m sorry you have to endure that,” rough words forced through the stone he spoke from, emotion so thick no amount of swallowing would ever clear it. “You deserve a good night’s sleep, for fuck's sake… a happy life, uncomplicated,” he finished, realizing after the sentiment escaped that he shouldn’t have been so vehement about it. He shouldn’t have spoken at all.

“Uncomplicated is overrated,” she said, surprising him, a tiny quirk at the side of her mouth.

He didn’t know what to make of that, or the smile, or the fact that he was half naked in her bed and the whole room smelled like her. She was warm and vital, and within arm’s reach.

She seemed to slip out of the weird moment they were having, her gaze unfocused as she thought of something he wasn’t privy to.

“Do you have to go into work today?” Rey asked suddenly and anxiety coursed through him… he ignored the fact that it was spurred on by the idea of having to leave her, and not the prospect of being late, or the mess of an investigation that he found himself in.

“Yesterday was Friday? I was only out for one night, correct?” he asked.

She nodded, waiting for him to continue.

“Then no. I don’t have to go into work today, technically,” he said, a strange feeling fluttering in his chest. Ben thought it might be excitement, but he was too scared to put a name to it. He’d worked every Saturday for the last three years, even though his job description had him down for the normal workweek. He’d more than earned a break.

“Do _you_ have to go to work today?” he asked, echoing her previous question.

She shook her head, cheeks pinkening with whatever thought wandered into her head at that moment and for the first time since he’d woken up, Ben realized that it must be bizarre for her to see him like this.

To her he was a stranger, a partially naked stranger sitting with her in her bedroom.

“I’ll make us breakfast,” she said, scrambling off of the bed, her oversized pajamas swallowing her body, hands almost completely hidden in the cuffs of her shirt.

“You don’t have to, really. I’ve imposed on you far too long already,” he said, hoping she would put him out of his misery and send him away before he did something colossally stupid.

“Hush. I see the circles under your eyes as well, and your body is still healing. I’m not at liberty to discharge you at this particular time, Mr. Solo,” she said sternly, folding dangling sleeves under her arms as she crossed her arms over her chest.

She looked ridiculous and he was lost.

A chuckle worked its way out of him, rusty and unexpected, the feeling like stretching a muscle he hadn’t used in too long.

Her mouth lifted into another full smile, two in one morning, and she turned to go about her task. Apparently, she wasn’t going to wait for another word from him. Stubborn as usual.

“You don’t happen to have my clothing, do you?” he yelled through the doorway, pots and pans clanging in another room.

A few moments later his items floated into the room and he plucked them from the air.

“There’s no shirt!” he said, pants and socks on with nothing to cover his chest, his wand tucked into his back pocket.

She didn’t answer so he padded over toward the kitchen. Her apartment was small but cozy, very much like her. He crossed through the living room to get to the kitchen, fairy lights were strung up along the bay windows, a tapestry up above a plush sofa. His boots rested on the floor beside the sofa, and seeing something of his in her space felt too familiar.

She’d tied her hair up into a bun, but this time it wasn’t the orderly one from the hospital. Soft curls had been gathered into a mess on top of her head, the bun fluffy, tendrils of hair escaping the back and wisping around her neck.

A knot gathered in the base of his abdomen, assailed by the urge to walk over to her and splay his hands over her hips, placing a kiss on the sensitive exposed nape.

Rey turned toward him, as if she could feel the heat of his gaze, and her lips parted at the sight of him. They stared at each other for a moment before Ben remembered why he’d come over to her.

“Shirt?” he managed, gesturing at his bare chest, the cold air in the apartment giving him goosebumps.

“It was ruined by the spell, and then I sort of ripped the buttons trying to get it off of you so that I could assess your wounds,” she said, sheepish, her mouth pressing into a line of apology.

“It’s crazy cold in here,” he complained, wrapping his arms around himself, understanding why she was bundled up.

“My landlord is supposed to come fix the radiator, I’ve done all the magic I can on it, and some physical tinkering, but it’s definitely on its way out,” she said, clearly irritated by the situation, shaking her head as she spoke about the landlord.

He struggled against his immediate reaction, stopping the offer before it breached his lips. He had no business offering his apartment up as an alternative. This wasn’t a “your place or mine?” situation. Even though that was where his shirts lived, and it had a very good heating system, and a king-sized bed.

“I don’t have any shirts that will fit you, but there’s a throw blanket on the top of the couch. You could wrap that around yourself?” she offered and Ben acquiesced, wrapping the sage green blanket around his shoulders, and for a moment he felt silly with a blanket cape hanging halfway down his body.

Rey didn’t seem to mind, giving him another small smile before she went back to fixing them breakfast.

The sizzle and hiss of bacon in the pan greeted him. The scent of browning meat and bread toasting was enough to leave him salivating. Over the years Ben had gotten used to the British equivalent of bacon, not as crispy as the American kind but so much more meat.

Within a few minutes Rey had bacon, toast with jam, and piping cups of tea ready for the both of them.

“It’s not much. I really do need to go grocery shopping, but it’s been a tiring week,” Rey said, the excuse unnecessary because it looked perfect.

“It smells wonderful! Thank you for this,” he said, the act of her taking care of him left him emotional. He’d almost forgotten how much he missed this, how much he missed her.

He worked tirelessly everyday on his Occlumency, on trying to let the past die. It couldn’t compete with this, even this mockery of what they had was far stronger.

She carried both plates over to a small table by the kitchen window, two chairs perched on either side. Ben sat in one, trying to work his arms out of the blanket while still keeping it on his body. Eventually he succeeded but it was awkward at best.

He soon forgot his discomfort as he dug into the food. Hunger surprised him, gnawing and angry and sudden. Ben ate as if he was afraid he’d never get the chance again. Rey seemed to be doing the same, but he understood why. Food insecurity had been a lingering trauma for her from her years at the group home. Plutt was a mean bastard, cheap and cruel.

By the time they’d finished eating, the sun came in through the window and warmed the little area that the light bled into. It was pleasant and the rays caught the edges of her hair, igniting it.

“That was delicious. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled the food,” he admitted, half sorry that he’d attacked the plate so savagely in front of her.

“You and me both, I skipped dinner with all the excitement last night,” she said and the guilt of what she said crept into his mind.

“I’m sorry. Rey, I shouldn’t be here. I’m just making everything worse,” he said.

“Shut up,” she said and he was so shocked that he barked out a laugh.

“I beg your pardon?” Ben asked.

“You heard me. I’m tired of you apologizing. So, if you plan to continue, you need to shut up,” Rey said simply.

“I do not appreciate you taking that tone with me. I am, after all, an official tasked with your safety,” Ben teased, levity tugging at him for the first time in ages.

“Somehow I doubt you’d be one to flaunt your title. You seem like the type that fights for a cause, not recognition,” she retorted and he was surprised that she had him pegged so easily.

“You’re right, it seems your assumptions about me are true,” he said, offering her the win, not wanting to break this bubble of joy he found himself in, however brief.

“That’s because I know you, Ben Solo,” she challenged, her face alight with mischief. He knew she meant it jokingly but the words turned sour when faced with the reality of the situation.

 _What was he doing_? This was a mistake. He shouldn’t be doing this with her, not again. He should keep an eye out from afar, leave her to the life she’d built, and ensure that she was safe to find all that she desired.

So, he shut down the lighthearted remark that he wanted to give, instead rising from the table and stepping away from her. Large, clumsy hands folded the blanket back into a neat rectangle and took in the space one last time. Sitting on the edge of the sofa to fasten his boots, he kept his head down, even as she followed him into the room.

“I… I’m not sure what I said, but I’m sorry,” she offered, her voice small and sad again, and he hated that he was doing this, even though this hurt paled in comparison to what could be again if he carried on with this charade.

He rose once his boots were secured, walking over to where she stood in the doorway. Ben loomed over her, crowding her, looking down into her eyes, determined to sever any spark that may have ignited here today.

“ _You know nothing about me,_ ” he hissed down at her and she shrunk from the venom in his tone, “and you never will. It’s not safe to know me, I won’t let you. I will not involve you in this and I refuse to be the reason you get hurt. Do you understand me?” he asked, the question thrown like a barb.

She swallowed hard, her chest rising with a huge breath before she lifted her chin. He knew that was bad. Rey wasn’t just going to take his word for it.

_Stubborn woman._

“You don’t get to make decisions for me. You involved me the moment you showed up at that hospital, whether you like it or not,” she said, her voice calm even though he could see her pulse jump in her neck.

_Brave little fool._

“Consider yourself officially uninvolved. This is not a joke, Rey. You heard what they did to the survivors… The victims were less lucky. Stay away from me!” he said, almost begging her to have some sense of self-preservation.

They stood so close, her scent tangling up with his mind, his control in tatters. Whether she realized it or not, she held all the power here. Ben hoped she wouldn’t take advantage of it and ruin him all over again.

“Make me,” she challenged, eyes blazing.

He’d approached this all wrong. Ben knew she hated being told what to do. Command her and she’d do the opposite just to spite you. He ignored the way her challenge affected him, his stomach tightening in desire, a forbidden curl settling low in his abdomen.

“ _Goddamn it,_ ” he whispered brokenly, his resolve crumbling within the space between their bodies, so close and just too far.

Rey rose up onto her toes, her soft hands on his cheeks, closing the distance within the span of a heartbeat. Ben was pulled into her gravity, helpless against her magnetism. Familiar lips pressed against his, a wanton moan ripped from her as he deepened the kiss and gave himself over to the need that seemed almost crippling in its intensity.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers threading themselves through his hair and gripping slightly, just enough for it to sting against his scalp. Ben’s hands roamed over every inch that he could touch, the same and different, present and past colliding with an ache that radiated through his body.

He couldn’t do this. It felt too good. It hurt too much. He wanted so much more than this and knew he deserved none of it. Ben tried to pull away from her, to extricate himself from the love of his life, and the warm balm of her embrace.

His mind warred with his heart, both desperate for the same thing, both knowing that it would never work. Even if he could protect her against every threat the Loyalists promised, he couldn’t protect her against the truth or their past. She would never forgive him for what happened, for what he’d done.

Rey gripped him closer, a sound of protest humming against his lips. Ben stopped his roaming, hands instead pushing her from his body, the soft suction of their lips relinquished. Heavy breaths from both of them were the only sounds in the small apartment.

Her eyes filled with tears, confusion and hurt on her face. She wrapped her arms around her body, as if to shield herself from whatever she saw on his face. He had no idea what he looked like to her. All he knew was that if they carried on, he would not be able to stop. If he let himself, he would fall right into her and they’d both be crushed when the ground came up to meet them.

“Rey, _please_. Don’t look at me like that. There’s so much I wish I could tell you, that I wish I could explain. But I can’t. I can’t do that and keep you safe,” Ben said, trying to reason with her.

“No, you don’t kiss someone like that and then say something like this. I know you felt that too. I’ve felt connected to you from the moment we met. Don’t lie to me and tell me you sense none of it!” Rey said, her voice cracking at the end, tears spilling down those freckled cheeks.

“Rey… please try to understand. I can’t do this,” he held his hands out, palms up in a frustrated gesture at the distance between them.

She sniffed, her face folding into a frown, anger heating up her cheeks, sparkling tears streaking over her face.

“No, you won’t do this. There’s a difference. There’s something here and you won’t even give yourself the chance to explore all it could be!” She accused, her frame trembling, though he couldn’t tell if it was from repressed rage or sobs.

“Because you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve the _fucked-up shit_ that comes with this. Rey, you’re better than this, better than the broken pieces that are all I have left,” he said, the image of her swimming with his own unshed tears.

This was a mistake.

“Fuck you, Ben Solo! You don’t get to tell me what I deserve, but if you’re so intent on ruining a chance at something good, then go right ahead,” she said, taking a step toward him and shoving against his bare chest. The force was feeble, no match for his much heftier body, but he got the message.

“Leave,” she spat between bared teeth.

His hand engulfed one of hers, pulling it up from his chest and placing a chaste kiss against her palm before he let it drop and stepped backward. Ben kept his eyes on her until the last moment, when he was sucked away, apparating back to his apartment.

The image of that lost look in her eyes would haunt his dreams for weeks to come, of that he was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new spells this week, but I thought I would leave a comparison between the British and American bacon because it was something that surprised me when I first moved to the US, so I figured it would have been probable that Ben experienced the opposite. Apparently British bacon falls somewhere between American and Canadian bacon 
> 
> [A Guide To English Back Bacon](https://englishbreakfastsociety.com/back-bacon.html)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, I've really enjoyed seeing all your feedback on this story!
> 
> Thanks goes out again to my beta @Love_andbalance for helping me brainstorm and tidy up this chapter.
> 
> Warning that this chapter includes an instance of Rey being followed by a Loyalist. If being followed or stalking is a trigger for you please be advised. I have marked the instances with "**" at the start and end of the actual following and then their confrontation is marked with a single "*" to show where it ends. 
> 
> The line where the following occurs starts with: "It wasn't until she was within the Stables, in Horse Tunnel Market that she noticed" and ends with "She wished she knew who to call, her mind whispering his name like a lifeline that she couldn't afford to take"
> 
> The confrontation directly follows that line and ends with "Rey collapsed against the tree, sliding down onto the cold hard ground"
> 
> This chapter also depicts her response to what happened, a sort of "freeze" response to fight/flight/freeze so please be advised on his as well if you have trouble reading stress responses or emotional turmoil.

Chapter 6

He left her there, bereft, confused. Her hand still tingled with the kiss he branded her with, lips swollen from the others.

_What the fuck had just happened?_

It felt like a fight, like they’d just had their first fight and they weren’t even together. Who was she kidding, they barely knew each other? And yet… Those big hands on her skin, the heat pouring off of his body despite the chilly flat, the woodsy scent that clung to his skin even though she’d washed his body… it all felt like déjà vu.

Ben looked desperate, as if she was hurting him with her touch, her closeness. Rey felt how much he wanted it, how much he wanted her, and yet he pulled back. Was it truly for her safety, as he claimed? It felt like more, like some shadow that hung over him. Who hurt him? His eyes seemed to glisten with the ghosts of pain and suffering. Rey tried to shake the feeling that she wanted to ease it for him.

She made her way over to the couch, sinking down with shaking knees. He’d kissed her, thoroughly. The skin still burned where his hands had roamed, her heart beating so rapidly it felt like she’d just sprinted.

It was like a dam wall had burst, the loneliness that she endured for so long raking barbs along her heart. Rey sobbed into her hands for the second time in twelve hours and questioned just where she’d gone wrong. To come so close to something, like having the sun ripped away after her first sunset, plunged back into the darkness only she had no idea when she’d see it again… see _him_ again.

All she knew was his name, and the department that he worked at. He was a stranger, a man that had burst into her life and vanished from it just as quickly. Rey wanted to be angry, wanted the rage to erase everything she felt right now, but it wasn’t going to work this time. There would be no forgetting.

It would be a long time before she risked opening herself up like this again. She got up and ran the shower as hot as she could tolerate, scrubbing the memory of his embrace from her skin, and when she was pink and raw, she got dressed and left the flat.

Hair damp, the strands dripped icy water onto her back. The cold breeze was torturous but it helped to clear her mind, to sweep away the last remnants of him. She walked through a muggle supermarket, the local Sainsbury’s, gathering food into her trolley, mind focused on the task at hand. Rey would not let it wander.

He didn’t want her. She didn’t want to feel unworthy again. That’s all there was to it. Better to know now than down the line when she was in too deep.

_You’re already in too deep_ , her thoughts mocked. _Shut up_ , she responded, fully aware of how crazy this internal conversation was.

Just because he made her feel alive for the first time in years… didn’t mean anything, right? He was an outsider and she responded to the novelty of him, that’s all it was. Rey tried in vain to convince herself, and failed.

She loaded the trolley with snack foods that she knew would just make her feel like crap later, even splurged and got herself a good bottle of wine, she deserved the treat after the whiplash that was Ben Solo. Rey paid for her fare and once she was around the back of the building, she snuck all her shopping bags into her purse, using an extension charm on the purse to fit all her shopping. It made the inside larger, and the contents that she put inside lighter.

Once she was convinced no one could see her and all the items were safely tucked away, Rey ventured out further into Camden Town and the Market. She never got used to the eclectic array of people and shops on display. Huge three-dimensional art and sculptures sticking out from the squat buildings, giving them character that they would have lacked otherwise. She’d always enjoyed this corner of London, the unapologetic punks and goths, the tourists trying to soak up a part of the city’s culture that was so opposite to the polish of royalty others flocked to.

The market extended into a maze, and Rey let herself get lost in between costumes and corsets, lanterns, souvenirs and thrift shops. The buzz of people around her filled her up with energy, winter was right on their doorstep and she could smell the mulled wine brewing from one of the food stalls.

The wizarding world, Diagon Alley, it was beautiful and magical, and archaic in a charming way. But this… it hummed with life and diversity, and an edge that she’d always felt connected to. Rey didn’t know her parents, had grown up as a muggle orphan until that Hogwarts letter came, and sometimes she missed that.

The simplicity of just being human, not having a whole life of secrets to keep, a side to hide at all times, she ached for it. She didn’t fit here among the muggles anymore, but she couldn’t relax into her role as a witch either. Stuck between two worlds, belonging to neither… to no one.

Rey picked up some street food, wandering aimlessly between stalls, accents and languages different between each one. She watched young girls giggling in their groups, a man with a mohawk and multiple facial piercings. A beautiful woman with golden skin and a curtain of black hair sold incense and other aromatic items.

Fading away into the busyness of it all, she felt him drain from her mind, immersing herself in the color and smells, and vitality of everything around her.

**It wasn’t until she was within the Stables, in Horse Tunnel Market that she noticed someone was following her. She wouldn’t have paid it any heed, except he looked out of place… and that was a feat in a place like this. His long dark robe wasn’t unusual under normal circumstances, his head was shorn close and he had an ugly scar on his cheek. The skin was puckered and marked, as if it had been burned, still pink, recent.

Rey couldn’t say how she knew, but he was a wizard, and he was here for her. Her intuition rarely led her wrong, and after what happened with Ben the night before she was on edge. Maybe he was right, maybe she was in danger because of him. Though how they knew so soon, barely a few hours after he’d left her, was a mystery to her.

She escaped into a store, loud music blaring from inside, the lights dimmed, black lights highlighting neon clothing and accessories. Fetish wear and toys lined one side of the store; patent leather shiny under the strange lighting. Some of the employees sported hair almost as bright as the outfits they wore.

Rey hoped she could blend in, escape out of the other exit. Threading her way through a throng of people she whispered a Disillusionment Charm, trying to enchant herself enough that he would not notice her, but she knew there was a high chance of failure. The spell was less effective when someone knew exactly what to look for.

The heat of people, body odor and perfume, pulsing music… it all made Rey feel dizzy and anxious. She couldn’t wait to get out of this store and away from the shadow that trailed her. With her desperate spell hopefully intact she picked up speed, fighting her way upstairs and out onto the street. Rey rushed toward the open road, desperate for fresh air to clear the panic that slowly filled her head.

Why she was this afraid she couldn’t be sure, it wasn’t the first time she’d been in danger. She’d almost been mugged a few years ago, still had the knife scar on her arm, but she got away with her things and her life. Rey had spent years dodging bullies and older kids in the group homes she’d been shuffled between. Fear wasn’t new to her. She’d been a female alone all her life.

But this seemed different somehow, the dread sat on her tongue, metallic and slightly bitter. Her heart raced so hard in her chest, her breath coming in short gasps, and she worried that she might be sick on the pavement. Rey couldn’t stop glancing over her shoulder as she ran, further and further from a place that used to be her comfort. She hated that he’d taken this from her, whoever he was.

Rey ran all the way to the park, the sun dipping at the edge of the horizon, drunken and dimming. She needed to get home soon, but she wasn’t sure how safe it was. Her chest cracked under the strain of her heavy breathing, an ache settling around her lungs as she tried and failed to suck in deeper breaths, ribs stretching painfully with the effort.

Eventually she sank against a large ash tree, far from the footpath, not quite the cover she needed although rest was no longer an option but a necessity. She wished she knew who to call, her mind whispering his name like a lifeline that she couldn’t afford to take.**

“Here you are,” he whispered from a thick branch above her head and she whirled around to face him. He jumped down beside her, landing with a thud against the ground. “Your spell was decently done, but I could hear you panting. Might want to work on your cardio, little Rey,” he said and she felt bile rise in her throat at her name.

Rey drew her wand, pointing it at him, the willow wood shaking in her grasp.

“What do you want? How do you know my name?” she managed, breathless.

“Hmm, you don’t remember me, do you?” he tutted, getting closer, the tip of her wand almost pressed to his chest but he didn’t seem concerned that she would hurt him.

“I’ve never seen you before in my life,” she disputed, confused by what he was saying and the fact that he hadn’t attacked her yet.

“That’s a blatant lie. But I can see that you truly believe it. Such a pity. Watching you unravel was a beautiful sight to behold,” he said, as close to her as Ben had been this morning but Rey felt none of what she had in her kitchen.

Revulsion slithered across her skin, the urge to vomit so strong she tried not to breathe in his scent lest it set her off. She had no idea what he was talking about but she didn’t like the way he was looking at her, or what he said.

He raised a gloved hand, the leather cold and vile where he dragged the back of his index finger down the side of her cheek, sliding it down to cup her bicep. His thumb traced the scar that sat under her coat, and Rey wished she could move, could scream. Anything. She felt frozen, her body reacting, her mind helpless against the physical response to his proximity and touch.

“I still smell your blood sometimes; your screams had such a lovely quality to them. Your voice held out so much longer than the others, piercing when theirs went hoarse,” he whispered near her ear and the edges of Rey’s vision seemed to start to go dark.

It was only then that she realized she was holding her breath, her head swimming with the lack of oxygen.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, you _sick fuck_ ,” she managed through the constriction of her throat, “now get away from me before I kill you,” she warned, pressing the edge of her wand into the fleshy part of his exposed neck.

He simply gave a little chuckle and stepped away, lifting his hands up palm out as if he was surrendering to her threat. Rey kept her wand outstretched, the spell on the tip of her tongue, ready to dispel it despite the law that forbade it. She didn’t care, she would take the repercussions of that over his overfamiliarity and the ease with which he touched her, the secrets he seemed to know that she didn’t.

Maybe he was crazy? Maybe she was being chased by some psycho.

“What do you want?” she asked again, emotion shaking the question, and he just gave her a tight-lipped smile, shaking his head.

“To finish what I started,” he shrugged and turned to leave, walking a few steps before he faltered and turned back toward her, clearly not content to leave things as they were.

His mouth turned up into a mockery of a smile, vicious and full of malice.

“Say hi to Ben for me, tell him he missed,” he said, gesturing up at his cheek before he apparated away and Rey collapsed against the tree, sliding down onto the cold hard ground.*

The ash tree was sturdy, the ground unmoving, and yet Rey’s vision wavered, the park around her shaking. It took a few moments to realize she was trembling so hard her teeth chattered.

_You need to get out of here, in case he comes back_ , the rational part of her brain warned.

She knew she should but her body wasn’t responding to her commands, limbs heavy and sluggish, the barest of noises startling her. A runner nearby crunched leaves underfoot, a squirrel overhead chittered its annoyance, every noise amplified and caused her to gasp in a breath, flicking her head toward it.

_You’re okay. You’re okay. He’s gone._ She repeated to herself, the whispered words almost like a mantra.

Slowly she came back into her body. The dark edges faded, her heart slowed and she became aware of just how cold she was. Her fingertips tingled, icy and white from the temperature. Rey pushed herself up from the ground and did what she had to, despite the impending rolling in her stomach and the vertigo that it triggered.

She apparated herself to the entrance to the Ministry of Magic, intent on protection… and answers. Because even if he wasn’t there, she would figure out how to find him. Something was going on here, far darker and more involved than she knew. She deserved the truth. If they were coming for her, she deserved to know why.

She gripped the black receiver in her hand, the red telephone box crowding her. Rey repeated her name and the keyword for entry and felt herself pulled below ground into the bowels of the most important building in London.

Workers milled about, most of them leaving for the day, but Rey made her way over to the secretary’s desk regardless. The person manning the desk looked bored, unhappy to be there on a Saturday. They weighed her wand, scanning the information on her without so much as a hello. Government workers across the board, muggle or magic, seemed to dislike their jobs. Rey couldn’t blame them.

The secretary’s eyes lit up with something she perceived within the wand, tossing out a terse “wait here!” before she slunk off.

Rey had no idea what came up in the scan, she’d never been noteworthy before. She hoped that she wasn’t in trouble. She never cast the curse, had only thought of it, but she doubted the spell showed up on her registry. The last spell she’d cast was a Disillusionment Charm, a little sketchy but nothing remarkable.

Rey shivered, chills and nerves puckering her skin, the cold dark tiles of the ministry floors gleamed, endless. The dark emerald of the walls and bricks felt oppressive. She’d been here once or twice, mainly to deal with legal and administrative tasks. It never felt this vast and icy before.

The secretary returned after a few moments, handing Rey a visitor’s pass and her wand.

“Level one,” was all she said, dismissing Rey without another word.

_Level One,_ she repeated to herself, returning her wand to her pocket, willing the information to stick. It was simple enough to remember but her head felt stuffed with cotton wool, useless.

Rey stepped into the lift, pressing the button for level one and felt her stomach lurch as the box pulled away, faster than she was prepared for. When the lift stopped with a cheery ding she couldn’t wait to get off. She was met with deep purple carpets and mahogany doors. She glanced down at the pass in her hand and noticed, scrawled in elegant black ink: “Minister for Magic, Obi-Wan Kenobi, door 66,”

The nausea returned in full-force, a cold sweat beading at the nape of her neck and forehead.

_What was going on?_

She followed the corridor, passing polished doors with little golden plaques, a litany of names that she would never remember. At the end of the hall she saw his, raising her hand to knock the door swung open before her knuckles could make contact with the wood.

Purse gripped in one hand, pass in the other, Rey didn’t have time to dwell on how clammy her hands were, or why she was here.

Seated at a desk staring right in front of her was the Minister, a man she’d never met but whose name was revered in magical households the world over. Kenobi. A famed Auror, one of the best duelists to ever wield a wand. He’d been instrumental in ending the Great War, and had spent years returning safety back to London.

Under his governance they’d had better healthcare reform, more emphasis placed on diversity and the validity of witches and wizards that were muggle-born or half-blooded. In three short years he had made such a big difference to so many, in a role that led most others to death or madness, Kenobi stuck it out.

She stepped into his office, a flick of his hand closing the door behind her.

They stared at each other from across the room, his white hair neatly styled, his beard trimmed and the same shade of startling paleness. They didn’t advertise his age, but it was clear that he was old and had seen so much more than Rey could even fathom.

“Hello there, Rey,” he said, breaking the silent tension that wove itself around them. “Please take a seat,” he offered, his hand outstretched toward a chair on the opposite side of the desk.

“Minister,” she croaked, nodding at him before she took a seat.

“What brings you here today?” he asked, holding out a small bowl of black and white striped candies. Peppermint Humbugs she realized, taking one and popping it into her mouth, the soothing wintery mint settling her stomach.

“I’ve come to enquire after one of your employees,” she responded, and she knew that this was dangerous territory. She had no idea if Kenobi knew of the investigation, Ben mentioned not wanting to go to the hospital because of questions that may arise.

Rey didn’t want to jeopardize his safety or his job, but at this point she had little choice. The man mentioned Ben by name, seemed to know Rey even though she had no recollection of him. She came here for answers, and if that meant talking to Kenobi, so be it.

“Oh, and just who might that be?” he asked, sounding slightly amused, popping one of the mints into his own mouth.

“Ben Solo, Auror,” she said, trying to keep her voice even and the severity off her face.

Kenobi must have seen something regardless because his good humor faded quickly, swallowing the mint sweet whole and leaning forward, his arms pressed against the desk.

“What is your business with Ben?” Kenobi asked and Rey noticed the familiarity with which he referred to someone she’d assumed was only an employee… but perhaps there was more there.

“I can’t say, not without endangering him and the investigation he’s part of,” she answered, averting her eyes from his sharp gaze, fiddling and fidgeting as she was wont to do when nervous.

“Miss Niima, I can assure you that nothing you say within the walls of this office will ever reach the outside. I _need_ you to tell me what you know. I fear this will impact the safety of wizardkind as a whole,” he implored, his voice thick with urgency and she looked back up at him, surprised to see that the usually composed man seemed quite stricken.

“Loyalists. He’s investigating them again, under orders to do so covertly. He was gravely injured by one last night and I fear the same man may have been the one that followed me this evening. He… threatened me, but it made little sense. The man seemed to believe that we had unfinished business, but I had no idea who he was,” Rey admitted, glad to finally have some of this out of head, less of a burden she had to carry alone.

“I was not informed of any investigation. I suspect we may have a bad apple in the department, or at least someone trying to extract information where they shouldn’t. If what you say is true and the Loyalists are back, we are in far graver danger than you realize, Rey,” he said, her name strange coming from his mouth. The same tinge of familiarity but she’d never met him before today.

“I need to warn Ben,” Rey implored, trying to stress to him that she had no other means to contact him.

“Just how is it that you know him?” Kenobi asked.

“He came by the hospital I work at, St. Mungo’s, to interview some of the victims from an attack that took place three years ago. He was supposed to interview me as their caretaker as well but they seemed agitated to leave. I gave him my contact information, I had no idea he would use it after being injured. I tended to his wounds and he was on his way earlier today,” Rey said, trying to explain to him why Ben had ended up in a bloody puddle on her floor.

“You said ‘they’ seemed agitated to leave, I assume he did not come alone?” Kenobi asked.

“Hux, tall red-haired man. They seemed to be at slight odds but nothing that gave me pause,” Rey answered.

“Rey, as I’m sure you’ve already surmised: you’re in danger, as is Ben. I’m loath to give you the information to find him, though judging from your determination to do so, I’m sure you’ll get it out of someone else if I don’t provide it. I implore you to be careful. Not just of this dark danger that lurks ready to strike,” he said, writing down something onto a piece of paper, quill in hand.

Kenobi folded it neatly, handing it to her on his outstretched palm. Rey took it from him and tucked it into her front pocket.

“What else should I be careful of, Minister?” she asked, curious by how he phrased his statement.

“It is not mine to say. When you see Ben, tell him I say that this is a fight he cannot win alone, he will know what that means,” Kenobi said, opening the door for her to leave again.

“One more thing, Rey. Do not open your heart to darkness, no matter what happens. You were born to the light and it has been your companion your whole life,” he said and it sounded like a warning.

Rey nodded, not sure what to make of it, exiting his office, walking the long expanse of purple carpet again, sneakers sinking into the plush fibers. The lift took her back to the central area, now far quieter.

Rey debated using the Floo network to get to Ben, but she had no idea if he had a chimney, so she sucked it up and exited the Ministry onto the city streets again. Night had fallen outside, crisp and quiet. Once she was satisfied that she saw no one, she pulled the address from her pocket and apparated there, holding her breath to curb the dizzying swirl as she was sucked to his home.

It was sparse, utilitarian, as if he did no more than eat or sleep there, on occasion. The flat was dim, no lights on inside. She had no idea of knowing if he was even here or not, though she leaned toward not. Taking a step deeper into the room she tried to find the light switch, hand caressing the cool painted walls.

Her fingertips found the plastic edge of the switch and just before she flicked it on, she felt him behind her. His wand was pressed to the back of her head, but she knew it was him, recognized the scent of him even though she’d only memorized it this morning.

Ben seemed to come to the realization of who she was at almost the same moment, the wand gone, her name escaping his lips with breathless wonder.

“Rey, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Can we put the light on? It feels a little weird standing here in the dark, don’t you think?” she said, stalling. It had been simple enough to divulge to Kenobi, but telling Ben that she’d jeopardized his job to his boss, that she herself was in danger… it was not going to go well.

“Uhm, do we have to?” he said, reluctant and Rey’s hackles rose in apprehension.

“Yes,” she said simply and he gave a sigh in response, his arm reaching out, fingers brushing against hers as he flipped the switch and the room was bathed in light.

He stepped away then, as if that slight contact was too much. Rey understood the feeling. It seemed like a powder keg between them, one spark away from destruction.

She took the time to survey the apartment and was astonished to find it in disarray. Papers strewn across a desk, ink pot overturned and dripping onto the floor. The room looked like a massive gust of wind had made its way through, disheveling everything that wasn’t bolted down.

“What happened in here?” She asked, worried for his safety.

“Me,” he answered, bitterness wrapped around the word, and she could hear the loathing that permeated the space.

“Why?” she wondered, curious to know what could have set off such a huge response.

“Why are you here?” he repeated instead, refusing to answer.

“Someone followed me today,” she said and watched alarm flit across that stony face. Whiskey brown eyes ignited with emotion and she worried about how he would react.

“How do you know?” he asked, careful to keep his voice even.

“Because he followed me for multiple blocks and then ambushed me from a freaking tree,” she said, rolling her eyes, annoyed that he would question her capabilities.

She may not be an Auror, but she wasn’t an idiot.

“Did he hurt you?” Ben asked, the muscle in his jaw ticking with repressed anger. He was trying to keep his cool, for her. She could see that.

“No, but he did say a bunch of strange things. He acted as if he knew me, as if we’d met before. He spoke about my screams and my blood, and finishing what he started. He also said to tell you that you missed, and then he pointed at a horrific scar on his face,” Rey explained, hoping Ben might be able to provide some clarity.

He nodded, nostrils flaring, hands at his sides curling and uncurling, huge fists and white knuckles forming under the strain.

“How did you find me?” Ben asked. It seemed he was trying to put all the pieces together before he reacted, at least that’s what Rey hoped.

“Kenobi,” was all she said and he walked away, pacing the length of the room, running his hand through his hair, waves sticking up in all directions. If it wasn’t such a fraught situation it would be funny.

“I know you were trying to keep this under wraps, I really didn’t want to get you in trouble. I went to the Ministry to get information on how to find you, so that I could tell you this. The secretary told me to go to Kenobi. It wasn’t my idea. I told him what I knew, he warned that we were both in danger and someone internal must be corrupt or a mole, or something. It was all a little convoluted,” she admitted.

“What else did he say?” Ben pressed, pausing for a moment to stare at her, his gaze intense.

“He warned me not to give in to darkness, and he said he had a message for you,” she said, still confused by both but perhaps Ben would know what to make of it all. “He said to tell you that this is a fight you cannot win alone. He said you’d know what that meant,” Rey finished, waiting for Ben to finally give a response beyond further questions.

It seemed he did know what it meant, his face crumpling into a hybrid of laughter and pain, caught somewhere in the middle.

“I deserve this, for you to hate me,” he muttered under his breath.

“Why would I hate you, Ben? I don’t understand, none of this makes sense,” she said, confused by how her life could have turned upside-down so quickly. Between the dreams and everyone else skirting around something she didn’t know. People acting like they knew her when she’d never met them before today.

“I’m going to show you some things. It’s going to be distressing. You’re going to get extremely mad at me, will probably hate me, but there’s no escaping it anymore. They know who you are, they’ve already found you once. You should know the truth,” Ben said brokenly, sinking down into an armchair.

Rey followed suit, trying to get comfortable on the couch across from him, difficult to do when it felt like she was on some type of precipice. On the edge of life as she knew it ending.

“And what exactly is the truth?” she ventured, torn between wanting to know and wanting to run.

“Your name isn’t Rey Niima,” he started and she interjected immediately.

“What do you mean, of course that’s my name. I mean, I know the surname is just something they stuck me with,” she said but he carried on as if she hadn’t spoken.

“In fact, it hasn’t been for a few years now,” he said, rubbing his hand over his face, as if to clear his mind through physical force.

“Your name is Rey Solo. You’re my wife, and three years ago you were involved in the attack at the nexus point,” he said, tired, shoulders bowed under the exhaustion that seemed to weigh him down.

“That’s… that’s ridiculous. I’d never met you before yesterday!” she argued, desperation clawing its way up from her belly. “I would know if I was _fucking married_!” she shouted, her voice echoing slightly off of the bare walls.

“No, you wouldn’t,” he spat back, pain etched into his face.

“And why not? Surely, I’d remember a whole damn life!” she said, tears stinging her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Because we erased it! We obliviated your memories, filling in the blanks with falsehoods and niceties!” Ben said, the words tearing from his throat, rising from his chair with enough force for it to skid back a few inches.

Rey felt deflated, like a balloon loosened into the air, screeching out all the air until it floated gracelessly to the floor.

“Prove it,” she managed, her voice flat, “Show me,” she said, anger finding its way into her tone, sparkling eyes blazing with indignation.

Ben just nodded, pursing those soft lips, lips she had apparently kissed far more than once. The muscle under his eye pulsed, emotion creased into his face, and she knew it was true.

Without having to see it, without the proof. Because she felt that aching loneliness so acutely the last three years, like a piece had been cleaved from her and left behind somewhere. She also felt the connection with him, instantaneous and so overwhelming. There was something there, something her body remembered when her mind couldn’t.

But it didn’t make it any easier to accept.

So, she steeled herself, trying to follow Kenobi’s advice and cling to the light, no matter how much the anger she felt now tried to drag her down.

“I… I’m sorry, Rey. For what I’m about to show you, for what I did… I just want you to know that,” he said, near tears himself and she understood why he’d tried so hard to protect her today, to pull away and keep his distance.

“Just do it,” she muttered as she waited for her world to implode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sainsbury's](https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sainsbury%27s)   
>  [Extension Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Extension_Charm)   
>  [Camden Town](https://www.visitlondon.com/things-to-do/london-areas/camden-town)   
>  [Camden Market](https://www.camdenmarket.com/)   
>  [Diagon Alley](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Diagon_Alley)   
>  [Hogwarts](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Hogwarts_School_of_Witchcraft_and_Wizardry)   
>  [Cyberdog](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberdog_\(shop\))   
>  [Regent's Park](https://www.wheretraveler.com/london/guide-exploring-londons-regents-park)   
>  [Willow Wood Wand](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Willow#:~:text=According%20to%20Garrick%20Ollivander%3A%20%22Willow,may%20try%20and%20hide%20it.)   
>  [Peppermint Humbug](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Mint_humbug)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flashback chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains instances of difficult and potentially triggering material, including: past pregnancy, past miscarriage, torture, suicidal ideation and what could be classified as a form of self-harm.
> 
> The final memory that contains the majority of this material starts with the phrase: "She was here... fuck why was she here?" and ends with "He opened his eyes, the memory slipping away" It is all in italic as well which should make it easier to differentiate from the rest of the chapter.
> 
> This is the flashback chapter that will cover the events that led to Ben having Rey's memories erased. If you do not feel comfortable reading but would still like to know what happened feel free to comment and I will happily message with a breakdown.
> 
> As usual a massive thank you to my wonderful betas: @Love_andbalance and @AuroraReylo for listening to me freak out about writing this chapter, encouraging me to keep going, and putting in the effort and time to read and critique.
> 
> To my lovely readers: thank you for your support, kudos, and comments that have kept me motivated to keep writing this story!

Chapter 7

This was it, the end of the fragile peace that existed between near strangers. Ben knew a second chance was out of the question, not after all the history buried between them. Maybe if they’d both lost their memories they could have started anew, but that was lost to them now. He knew the moment he begged Kenobi to take them that there would not be a future for the two of them.

He’d given into the rage today, the pain that came with realizing all he’d been deprived of. Three years had done a decent job at numbing him, but standing in her home, clutching her body against his… tasting lips he’d sworn off of, had been too much to bear.

The apartment took the brunt of it, his soul languished in the rest.

_Time to strike the final blow_ , he thought.

“Do you have any experience with Legilimency?” he asked.

“Some, we have patients that are unable to express what they’ve been through or what they’re feeling. At times we have to _help_ them along,” she admitted, and Ben thought she looked ashamed.

He nodded, letting his own guard slip away. It would be difficult to allow the intrusion, to relinquish years of conditioning that was intended to protect his mind, but it had to be done. He would endure it.

“Go ahead,” he said, staring at her, mere feet from where he sat but the distance between them would only grow, he was sure. “I’ll try to keep it linear, but I can’t promise it’ll be a perfect depiction,” he muttered.

Rey pulled her wand and pointed it at Ben, uttering “ _Legilimens!_ ” with conviction that belied her shaking hand and he felt her inside of his head.

The intrusion was uncomfortable, similar to Snoke’s attempt that day in his office, only this time Ben didn’t fight back. He embraced the prodding, focusing his mind to the first time they met, the real first time.

_Ben stumbled, unsteady on his feet courtesy of a few too many firewhiskeys. The Department of International Magical Cooperation was holding their annual ball, attendees from various countries and embassies filled the ballroom. He couldn’t fight the stifled feeling of too many bodies pressed too close. The call of cool night air was like a siren, and he gripped the stone railing toward the entrance._

_Just a few more steps to go and he’d be in the foyer. Unfortunately, he misjudged the space between the stairs, his grip faltering as the weight of his body pulled him down toward the smooth marble of the foyer floor. A sick thud precipitated dull pain and a sticky mess of blood on his fingers where he touched them to his forehead._

_“Ouch,” he muttered pitifully, but luckily someone had noticed and come to his rescue._

_A young woman, her light green dress not like those of the partygoers, a healer’s uniform. Ben lay partially splayed on the floor, the lady kneeling at his side._

_“Don’t move, I need to assess your injuries,” she warned, small hands moving over his body to check the damage._

_“Psshhh, pretty girl like you shouldn’t be concerned with the likes of me. You should be in there dancing,” he slurred, trying to point back toward the ballroom, but everything around him seemed off-kilter._

_“I’m on duty, tasked to care with fools like you, taking drunken spills,” she tutted, her wand spreading warm, healing energy through his forehead._

_It tingled, sunshine and softness where the ache had taken residence. She dulled it from a roar to a mere niggle._

_“Hey, you’re really good at that!” he exclaimed, sitting up, touching the now-mended flesh at his temple. “And I forgive you,” Ben finished._

_She looked confused, a little amused by his silliness. “Forgive me for what?”_

_“For calling me a fool,” Ben said, exaggerating a pout, eager to spend more time with her. If he could engage her she might stick around. His head was already clearing from her healing, the edge of drunkenness fading into a soft tipsy glow._

_“Ha! I wasn’t wrong!” she argued, folding her arms against her chest._

_“I didn’t say you were, only that I forgave you for saying it. It’s not very nice, you know,” he scolded, unable to keep a straight face. She simply rolled her eyes at him, cleaning up the remaining blood._

_He could see she was about to leave, so he did the only thing he could think of, Ben stuck out his hand to shake hers in introduction._

_“Ben Solo, drunken fool, sucker for pretty girls with hazel eyes, American representative for the International Department of Magical Cooperation. Nice to meet you,” he said, arm outstretched._

_“Rey Niima, nursing intern, bored out my skull and worried that this has been my most entertaining interaction all day,” she said with a small huff, barely a laugh but he could see the humor there under the incredulity._

_Her palm met his, fingers squeezing with slight pressure and he felt a jolt of something shoot through his core, sharp and vital._

_“Can I convince you that I’ll be entertaining when sober as well? It’s not necessarily true, but I’ll try, for you,” he offered, smiling at her, the heat of their joined hands filling him with an excitement that he’d rarely felt. Firewhiskey gave him courage he otherwise would have lacked._

_“I get off in half an hour, you convince me that you can stay awake and we’ll grab some tea so I can make sure you don’t have a concussion. How does that sound?” she offered and Ben resisted the urge to run a victory lap around the foyer._

_“Sounds lovely, I’ll wait here for you,” he promised and she granted him a real smile, nodding and scurrying back upstairs to see to her duties._

Rey pulled herself from his head, slightly breathless from the interaction she had just witnessed. Ben felt a pinch of something he couldn’t name, too entangled with too many other emotions. The night they met.

“You seemed so young, carefree,” she said.

Ben’s lips thinned into an unhappy line. She had the right of it. No one had ever accused him of being lighthearted, but compared to the shadow that seemed to follow him these days, he’d practically been beaming.

“I suppose I was, in a way. It was my first big event with the Ministry, away from my mother’s watchful eye. I got a little carried away,” Ben admitted, running a hand through his hair at the memory, fighting the shame of being so shitfaced he’d fallen halfway down a flight of stairs. “You ready to keep going?”

She took a deep breath to steady herself, nodding once before she cast the spell again, the room dimming around him as they were pulled into the next memory.

_Her laugh spilled between them like the sweetest ambrosia. She’d decided on where to go for a date this time and had chosen a muggle bowling alley. Ben had never stepped foot in one, he was aware of them, vaguely from some of his father’s stories of muggle life and pastimes._

_“You want me to put my fingers in these holes? With no idea of who has touched them before me, then launch them down this runway to hit the rows of pins?” Ben asked for clarification._

_“You’ll also have to rent a pair of shoes. And no magic!” She reminded him and Ben groaned, eliciting another round of giggles from Rey._

_“Only because it’s you. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else. Do you realize how unsanitary this all is? As a nurse you have to appreciate the multitude of germs I’m exposing myself to for you,” Ben grumbled, slipping his Italian dress shoes from his feet, trading them in for the bowling shoes handed to him by a spotty-faced teenager. The glazed look in his eyes led Ben to believe that he’d rather be doing anything else right now… Ben could relate._

_“Come on, live a little! If anything happens, I’ll happily see to you in your sick bed,” she said and a blush stained her cheeks at the statement. Ben hoped it was because she was picturing him in bed, preferably with her._

_They made their way down to their lane, names up on the electronic scoreboard. The bored teenager explained the basics to them, did a test throw to demonstrate, and then skulked back to his counter, a cloud of disinfectant surrounding him as he cleaned returned shoes._

_Ben hated to admit it, but it was kind of fun. Seeing Rey enjoy herself, getting a glimpse of her competitive spirit and stubborn streak, it made it worth it. She cheered for him every time he rolled the ball toward the pins, groaning when he made a decent go of it. The juxtaposition of it was adorable. When she threw her first strike she jumped up and down, throwing her arms around him in celebration, and he gave into the urge to press his lips to hers._

_A celebratory kiss, he told himself._

_Soon those kisses became more frequent, interspersed with amusement and conversation, and a lightness in his chest that Ben had never felt before._

_Rey knew him for_ him _, not as the son of Leia Organa-Solo. Not for his job at the Ministry. She knew Ben. Messy-haired, insecure, far too serious, dangerously-close-to-falling-in-love-with-her, Ben. And she seemed to like him, too. So, he happily indulged her, took her ice skating and bowling, and possibly even go-karting soon if she had her way._

_That night, after far too much fun and food they found themselves back at his place, curled up together on the sofa. The evening took a turn for the serious, unexpectedly. It seemed Rey had decided to trust him with more than just fun and company._

_Her head tucked under his chin she told him about her childhood. The indifference of the muggle foster system, being bounced around, never chosen. Rey told him how she grappled with the knowledge that her mother had abandoned her at birth, feeling discarded and alone. The stories turned darker, Unkar Plutt’s neglect bordered on abusive at times, and Ben’s fists bunched when she described the gnawing hunger she’d endured… the icy showers when Plutt refused to pay to heat the water._

_Ben held her through it all, and divulged his own ugly scars. He told her about how his parents had fought, hot-tempered people, too stubborn to give up on their relationship even when they hurt each other. His mother’s success eclipsed everything his father tried, trapped in the magic world when he missed his muggle existence before there was a relationship… a child they hadn’t planned for._

_Ben told her of the years away at boarding school, the loneliness that he felt, never quite fitting in with his peers. His strained relationship with his family, everyone seemingly at odds despite how much they knew they loved each other._

_“I took the job here in England to get away from her, from all of them. My mother is well-known, probably will be the next head of MACUSA, I hate being her ‘black-sheep’ son. At least you Brits put far less stock in celebrity,” he said, relief budding in him._

_She understood, took him at face value and let him know that it was enough for her. They ended the night entwined in his bed, sweat cooling on their bodies, Ben placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered the depth of his feeling into her hair when he thought she was asleep._

He was jerked from the memory, Rey’s eyes wide where she sat on the sofa. Her breaths came in short gasps. Perhaps this was enough for tonight. He didn’t want to overwhelm her, and it wasn’t fair that she had to learn the truth of her life through the eyes of another.

Ben was sure her experiences differed from his, the moments that he considered huge in their relationship could very well have been mere specks in time to her. He lamented the unfairness, the burden of the knowledge that he’d deprived her of.

“Why don’t we take a break?” He asked kindly, trying to keep his voice even.

The truth of the matter was that unearthing these memories wasn’t pleasant for him either. He’d spent years trying to purge her from his system, to forget. Ironic.

“How long had we known each other at that point?” she asked, referring to the whispered confession.

“A few weeks, barely any time at all. I was too scared to tell you for real, so I settled for the quiet moments after you fell asleep,” he admitted, ashamed. He should have told her sooner, met her sooner, so he could have loved her longer before it all went to hell.

“When did you… when did you say it for real?” she asked, hazel eyes glassy with emotion, grief, hunger.

“Not too long after that. It just slipped out. I’d gotten too comfortable saying it out loud. We were outside somewhere, it was spring. A kid was having a party in the park, they had a bubble gun, and you decided it would be fun to try to catch them before they popped or floated too far. A bubble landed on your hair and the laugh you gave was so joyous. It floated out of me before I had a chance to think about it,” Ben said, a slight smile on his face at the memory.

Her freckles had darkened from more time in the sun, her hair had escaped into a mess of waves half-contained. She’d been breathtaking.

“Did I,” she cleared her throat, “did I say it back?” she managed.

“Yes,” he answered brokenly, the memory piercing, the wound he’d neglected these last few years wide open.

She rose from her spot on the sofa, walking over to him.

“Before we get to the bad stuff, before it gets too much for me to bear. Could you hold me? While I’m focused on the joy of our beginning, while I’m still only slightly hurt. I just want…” she sighed, struggling to express what she was thinking, words not enough to convey her needs.

“I get it. Greedily, I want that too. I want to hold you and drown in these memories that I’d locked away, sharing them with you after so long,” Ben admitted, rising from the chair and folding her into his embrace.

Rey shuddered, a small release of emotion, a warm hot tear pressed into the crook of his neck. They stood for a few moments, breathing each other in, basking in the delicate afterglow of those happy memories.

“I don’t know how much I should show you. Whether it might be easier for me to tell you rather than have you trapped in my head with me. But I don’t want to deprive you of the details, after what I’ve already done that privacy seems selfish,” Ben said.

Rey pulled away slightly, looking up at him, measuring his expression before she spoke.

“Ben,” she said his name like she knew she was about to disappoint him, “I need to know. I need to understand how what we had could have been cast aside,” Rey finished and if Ben’s heart wasn’t already broken beyond repair it would have shattered right then.

He knew what she was saying, without the explicit words. She wanted to know why he had cast her aside, why he had abandoned her. It made sense, from the outside it had to look that way. How could he explain to her why he’d done it when most days it didn’t make a lick of sense to him anymore?

But then he remembered that last, horrific day, and his resolve hardened.

“I’ll show you everything you want to know,” he promised, despite the pit in his stomach at having to revive the demons he’d locked away. “What do you want to see next?” he asked.

“You said we were married. I’d like to see the proposal, or the wedding, or both,” she admitted, cheeks pink.

He’d figured as much, if there was going to be a highlight-reel of their lives together, those were definitely two of the most important. Ben nodded, encouraging her to cast the spell again, keeping her in his arms for as long as she would let him.

Rey whispered “ _Legilimens”_ the tip of her wand pressed against his chest.

_His heart was going to burst from his chest, grow legs and run away. Ben had never felt this nervous in his life. They held hands as he walked her through his parent’s estate, the only home he’d known beside her. By the time they made it outside to the gardens his back was covered in a film of sweat, his palm clammy against hers._

_“It’s beautiful, Ben. I’m so glad we got to come out here. I really like your parents,” she said, as if admitting a guilty secret. He knew she only wanted to spare his feelings._

_“I’m glad you like them. They really like you as well. Hopefully this visit will help mend some fences,” he said, grateful that she’d encouraged him to come home for his thirtieth birthday. He indulged her, showing her around the East Coast. She’d even convinced him to go see a Broadway show with her._

_She’d chosen Anastasia, citing a childhood nostalgia for the movie. Ben could see that it meant more to her than that. The plucky young orphan reunited with her family at the end. He knew he could never make up for what she had lost, but they could make something all their own… and maybe it would be enough._

_So, he walked her through the gardens, to the refuge he escaped to as a lonely boy. In a grove of trees, he’d built himself a fort over the course of a summer. It wasn’t much now, most of the structure lost to the years and elements, but the stacked stone wall remained._

_“This was my escape when I was growing up. I used to come out here and daydream, scream, write. It was a place that was completely mine and always a secret,” he said, chuckling to himself, “at least, that’s what I told myself. I’m sure my parents knew where I snuck off to, but I’ve never brought anyone here, before you,” he said, standing in front of her, her hands grasped in his._

_Rey waited, patient, for him to stumble through._

_“I never thought I’d find a haven again, much less a home. But since I met you that night on the foyer floor everything shifted. I realized what I’ve been living for, waiting for all these years,” Ben said, kneeling down on one knee in the bark and leaves littered around the ground._

_“Rey, you have brought light and happiness that I never thought I’d ever see. I will always grapple with feeling like I don’t deserve it, because I_ know _you’re far too good for me, but I’m hoping you’ll have me anyway. I want to grow old with you, have you drag me through life at breakneck speed when I’d much rather read on the couch. I want to laugh so hard that I can’t breathe, and curl into your arms when it all becomes too much. I’m greedy, and self-centered, I can’t offer you anywhere near what you’ve blessed me with,” Ben broke off, swallowing hard against the emotion in his throat, determined to make it through._

_“But I can give you all of me, for as long as you’ll have me. I can give you a family, the way you’ve given me a home, and together we can be something beautiful. So, please, tell me you’ll marry me and do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Solo?” He said, letting go of her hand to pull a black square from his pocket._

_He opened the box with shaking hands, the stone catching the light around them._

_Rey was openly crying, tears coursing down her cheeks as she choked out a “yes”, nodding vigorously, and Ben slipped the ring onto the third finger of her left hand._

_“It was my grandmother’s, I hope you don’t mind,” he said, rising up to kiss her._

_She answered by throwing her arms around his neck and peppering his face with kisses, broken laughter interspersed with sobs._

Ben was the one that pulled them out of it this time, the pain radiating through his chest almost too much. He escaped her embrace, stalking around the other side of the room, pacing as if it could clear the thoughts that came unbidden.

“Ben?” She asked, her voice tenuous, shaky with emotion he could only guess at.

“I’m sorry. I’ll keep going in a moment, I just…” he laughed bitterly to keep from crying. Instead, he muttered under his breath, cursing himself for what he’d done.

“What’s going on?” she asked, concerned for him even when he didn’t deserve it.

“I fucked up. I fucked up so badly, Rey,” he lamented, gesticulating wildly.

“I’ll admit, I’m having a hard time understanding how you could let go of something like that. If what you’re showing me is true… how could you give it up?” Rey asked, a tear meandering down her cheek and neck, into the hollow of her cheekbones.

“I felt like I had no choice. I didn’t want to. _Gods_ it just about killed me to do it. But I truly believed you’d be better off. I thought you’d be safe… whole,” he admitted, sinking onto his knees, gripping his hair in his hands in the face of all his mistakes.

The ones that had led them there that night, and the ones that had brought her here to this room.

“Show me… show me why,” she told him, walking over to where he knelt. “Please, I want to understand,” Rey pressed, resting a hand over his so that he’d loosen his grip on his hair.

“I don’t know if I can. I’ve done everything I could to avoid thinking about that night,” he whispered. “And what about the wedding, you said you wanted to see that?” Ben asked, desperate to avoid it at whatever cost.

“Ben, this is clearly very distressing to you. These memories seem so painful for you. I’m sure it was beautiful, gratifying, everything we both desperately craved. But what’s the point of pulling another excruciating memory from you when all I keep thinking is that I must have done something horrible? Why else would you subject yourself to this torture every day?” Rey asked, an anger to her voice, the edge and insecurity in it making Ben want to ram his fist into the wall, until the physical pain overtook the turmoil within.

“Okay. I’ll talk through as much of it as I can, and when I can’t talk anymore… I’ll show you,” he agreed, rising from the floor.

She led him over to the couch, the two of them facing each other, his hand clasped between both of hers.

“We were married in the summer. It was bliss, the happiest either of us had ever been,” he started and then looked down at their joined hands, too scared to divulge the rest to that expressive face.

“You fell pregnant not too long after,” he muttered, the words like glue leaving his mouth, thick and bitter.

He watched her hand twitch in his, too afraid to look up and see what she was thinking or feeling.

“We were scared out of our minds, newlyweds, both hurt by childhood in different ways, terrified that we would screw up,” Ben said, his mind wandering to those insecurities.

“There were rumors around the Ministry, paranoia was growing. I was informed about it because Kenobi is a family friend and he was concerned about me… about us. He was there at our wedding, you know? It was small, intimate, but he performed the ceremony for us,” Ben said, getting pulled into a tangent, trying to delay the inevitable.

“He was worried for me specifically because I represented an in to both the Ministry and MACUSA. There was concern about a mole, he knew they were gearing up to something big. I brushed him off,” Ben admitted, the sticky black self-loathing coating his esophagus.

“They took me first, and tortured me for information I just didn’t have. They thought I was withholding it on purpose, no matter how much I promised and begged they were convinced I knew something,” Ben said, trying to swallow the bile that pushed up at the thought of what he’d endured.

“They were dissatisfied with me, and they compelled me, used the Imperius curse to force me into revealing your location, and then they came for you… incentive, they called it,” Ben said, finally looking up at her.

He needed her to see it, the guilt, the hatred he held for himself. His weakness at being unable to protect them, his arrogance despite Kenobi’s warning.

“The dreams…” she gasped, “they’re memories. I’m running from them. You’re the man screaming for me,” Rey realized, a hundred things flitting across that expressive face, too fast for him to get a read on. He nodded and her face crumpled.

“What,” she sniffed, hiccupping through the sobs that threatened, “What happened to us?” Rey asked and Ben knew he couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud.

Instead, he pulled her hand from where it rested in his, placing it against his cheek and closing his eyes, encouraging her to see it where words failed.

She stepped into his mind easily now, but the memories were less streamlined, his heightened emotion spitting them out with no control over how they presented.

The scene jumped to a happy one, the two of them tangled together on the bed, Ben’s large hand spanning across Rey’s lower abdomen, in awe of what they’d created. It was still early, the doctor had only recently confirmed it, but he felt dumbstruck by how lucky he was.

Ben went about his day, kissing her and her belly on the way out to work and a few blocks from home it all went black.

Ben woke to pain, endured a burning and tearing of flesh. It seemed to go on forever. He tried to bargain with them but they refused to believe him. When Rey stepped inside the shifting memory fully it was at the height of his panic.

_She was here… fuck why was she here? Ben vaguely remembered them threatening to force him to talk, no matter how much he insisted there was nothing to say, they refused to believe him._

_He raged against his bonds, metal cuffs cutting into his wrists, drawing blood as he struggled to free himself from this prison. Rey was barely conscious, coming to after they’d done god knew what to her. She didn’t seem injured, yet. But Ben knew it was only a matter of time._

_“Let her go! I told you, I don’t know anything!” he shouted, his voice hoarse from hours of screaming, almost gone._

_“Ben Solo, son of the next MACUSA president, family-friend of Obi-Wan Kenobi the most famed Auror in history, and you expect us to believe you know less than the average ministry worker? Bullshit!” One of the men shouted at him through their mask._

_“You lay a finger on her and I’ll kill you with my bare hands!” Ben spat through his teeth, blood foaming in his mouth from the abuse he’d taken._

_“You can try, Solo, but it’s useless. You know we can take whatever we want,” the masked man said and Ben fought the nausea that pushed up from his stomach, the thought of them so much as touching a hair on her head…_

_Ripping against the chains, Ben was sure he would dislocate something, but he couldn’t give up._

_Her screams filled the room, high-pitched and agonizing. They started off with the Cruciatus curse, no warm up. Soon they tired of their lack of answers. Ben knew nothing, Rey knew even less._

_She begged them to stop, cried his name when she heard him screaming for her._

_Ben was forced to watch her writhe, suspended in the air, tortured at the whim of these madmen. He wished she would pass out, just for a reprieve from the onslaught, but Rey was stubborn. So,_ fucking _stubborn._

_She fought them as hard as he had, trying to do wandless magic in retaliation. This just pushed them further, Rey’s body launched against the wall beside him. He heard the crunch of bone on stone, saw blood bloom over her head, and she was too weak to stand, slumped on the cold hard ground._

_“For god's sake! She’s pregnant you sick fucks! Just leave her be. We don’t know anything. Get some Veritaserum or something,_ anything _, just stop hurting her!” Ben rasped, forcing the words through his raw throat._

_“We stop when I say so,” was the only response he got before they tossed another spell his way. The curse spread through his body, muscles weakened from being strung up, every nerve ending on fire._

_Rey was back on the table, sprawled out, keening in pain._

_Ben wasn’t sure how long they suffered; curses thrown between them. They seemed to favor hurting her, she was still fresh, her voice hadn’t given in yet. They tried to force information out of her by threatening Ben’s life, but of course there was nothing to be found there. When they realized it was fruitless, they tortured her some more with the Cruciatus curse._

_They seemed to enjoy the doubled pain, Rey’s physical and Ben’s emotional. He moved between sleep and waking, a never-ending nightmare no matter what he did. He cried so hard he vomited, bile and blood purged from his stomach, dripping onto the floor._

_It got to the point that Ben wished for death, for both of them. It would be better, he thought. They could finally rest._

_When it seemed that it would never end, right at the edge of consciousness, his body succumbing to its injuries, his mind shying from the reality of his ineptitude as a husband… as a protector. They showed up._

_Wands and shouts, bright light and screams. The frantic scuffle of footsteps and bodies hitting the floor. Ben remembered a cold hand against his forehead, bleary-eyed he tried to open his swollen eyes but could only make out a vague shape._

_The voice was more familiar._

_“Ben, oh no… We’re going to get you out of here,” Kenobi said, more emotional than Ben had ever heard him and it shook him to realize that this pillar of a man, the unshakable Obi-Wan Kenobi was crying._

_“Rey,” Ben managed through his mangled vocal cords._

_“Still alive,” Kenobi said and Ben couldn’t hold back the sob that tore through his broken ribs._

_“Baby?” He tried, holding on to consciousness as hard as he could._

_“We’re getting her taken to the hospital, both of you. We’ll see to the injuries there,” Kenobi promised and Ben fell back into the blackness that claimed him._

_When he came to, he could breathe, something he’d taken for granted until this moment. A second later he rushed up, stumbling out of the hospital bed and knocking over a tray beside the bed._

_A nurse came in, alarmed at the sound. Ben dragged himself toward the door regardless, his body barely covered by the thin hospital gown._

_“Where is my wife?” he said, his voice almost back to its normal quality._

_“Mr. Solo. Please, return to your bed. Once the healer has seen to you and you’ve been cleared for discharge, we can get you over to your wife,” She said, trying to placate him, careful not to touch him._

_“I need to see her. I need to see her now!” he shouted, drawing attention from beyond his room._

_Leia came in, her salt-and-pepper hair pulled back in its usual braid, purple circles marring her fathomless dark eyes._

_“Ben?” She asked, the velvet of her familiar voice almost dropped him to his knees._

_“Mom?” he managed, tears brimming in his eyes._

_She rushed over, wrapping his large body in her arms, trying to gather as much of him into her embrace as she could. It felt like the barest balm._

_“What are you doing here, mom?” Ben asked, resting his cheek on the top of her head._

_“Obi-Wan called, let us know you’d been captured and tortured. We came as soon as we heard,” she said._

_“I need to see her, mom. I need to see her alive,” Ben whispered, his plea desperate._

_“Honey, it’s_ complicated,” _she said and he pulled away to look her in the eye._

_“Where is she?” he said, his voice tinged with an edge, a warning. Leia knew better than to ignore it._

_“She’s upstairs,” Leia said, vague, averting her eyes from his gaze._

_“_ Mom _,” he pressed._

_“Janus Thickey Ward,” She said and he pushed past her, racing down the hall, bounding up cold stone steps, the slap of his bare feet loud. It was the middle of the night, the hallways deserted. Ben burst through the double doors; the night nurse alarmed at the sight of him. Both of them primed for a confrontation when they heard her._

_A terror-inducing shriek, a deep-seated wailing coming from one of the rooms. He’d heard enough of her screams to recognize it as her. They raced toward the room and Ben was astonished at what he found._

_She’d ripped the gown from her body, tearing through the fabric with bloodied fingernails. It hung in tatters from her shoulders. Rey had gouged divots into her stomach, angry red scratches across her belly. The sound coming from her throat was inhuman, a keening, like a banshee… the sound of it so painful that Ben thought it might kill him._

_The nurse rushed forward, casting a sleeping charm on her, pulling her into Bewitched Sleep. She caught Rey as she fell, carefully depositing her back in bed before she healed the marks on her body and repaired the robe._

_Ben’s stomach lurched, knowing without being told that this was far from normal._

_“What’s… My wife,” he managed, gesturing to her in bed, unable to ask for fear of knowing._

_“She lost her mind, we worried, after the torture she’d endured. We’d hoped that she might recover in time, but when she found out that she’d lost the baby…” The nurse said, her voice incredibly sad, looking down at Rey with enough sympathy to make Ben want to rage._

_“What?” He demanded._

_“It was too much for her to take. She’s been like this for the last few hours, we might have to induce a permanent sleep at this point, she keeps hurting herself,” the nurse shook her head, and Ben could see how tired she was, how badly she wished she could help._

_“Is there anything we can do, a cure?” He begged, desperate._

_“I fear not. The memories and trauma are too much to overcome, at least now. Maybe in time she may return somewhat, but the outcome of those tormented by the Cruicatus curse to this degree… it’s incredibly slim,” she apologized, placing an apologetic hand on Ben’s arm and squeezing for a moment before she left him to his privacy._

_He sank down into the chair beside her bed, staring at her pale face, freckles stark against the moonlight of her skin. Her eyes were puffy and swollen from crying, her lips dry and cracked. Even in her sleep she cradled her belly._

God _. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t bear this. The guilt, the shame, the overwhelming hatred he felt toward himself for putting her in this situation. If he’d only been stronger, if he’d only fought harder against their capture, their compulsion. Ben was supposed to protect her, he’d sworn it to her at their wedding._

_Cries ripped from his chest, bursting through pursed lips as he tried desperately to hold back the deluge. Ben couldn’t stand to see her, have her see him, the look of betrayal that he knew would be there. Even worse, he couldn’t imagine her waking and those iridescent eyes being dull as she was trapped in the hellscape of her mind._

_The door behind him opened and shut softly and he looked up, expecting to see his mom, instead Kenobi hesitated at the edge of the room._

_He seemed to know without Ben having to say a word and he walked over to the bed, taking Rey’s hand in his._

_“How can I help?” Kenobi asked and Ben was struck with an idea._

_The nurse had said her memories, her trauma, were what held her back from being able to live a normal life. What if he could unburden her?_

_“I need you to Obliviate her memories. All of them. I want her to be free of me and the pain I’ve caused her. I’ll never be able to lie to her every day, and she deserves to live. To have a chance at a happy life. If she stays here, trapped in all of this, that’s no life at all…” Ben begged, feverishly trying to justify it, to convince this man who had the power to do what he couldn’t._

_“Ben… Obliviation on that scale, such powerful memories. It could go horribly wrong, I really doubt that it’s the best course of action. You love each other, think about what you’d be losing…” Kenobi tried to reason with him._

_“It’ll be better than this. You didn’t see her, just now. The nurse said she’d be here, this would be her life, every day. She was ripping at her own skin, fingernails bloody stubs, wailing. It was haunting. I can’t have that for her. I can’t live with myself knowing that I did this to her,” Ben retorted, desperate, so hurt he didn’t know if he would ever be able to move on from it._

_“Are you sure about this?” Kenobi asked, resigned to it if Ben insisted._

_“It’s the only way she can be happy. The world deserves her light, she deserves a life. It’s the least I can give her after how much she’s lost because of me,” Ben said._

_“You know this wasn’t your fault? The Loyalists, they did this. You were a victim,” Kenobi said, gently trying to remind Ben that his failings were beyond his control._

_“Can you do it? Can you save her and help rebuild a life for her?” Ben asked instead of answering._

_“It’ll be a pretty big task, there will be a lot to cover up. The matron on this floor, she seems like someone we can trust, perhaps she would be willing to help. I still think this is a mistake, but I understand why you’re pushing so hard for this. I’d hate for her to waste away in this bed,” Kenobi admitted and Ben breathed a sigh of relief._

_“I’ll, uh, I’ll leave you to it then. Just… erase me, please. I don’t want to have to face her again. I don’t think I could bear it if she came to me with questions,” Ben said, his weakness uttered aloud._

_“As you wish, son. I’ll take care of this for you, you just rest. I’ll help however I can,” Kenobi said and Ben fought the urge to hug the old man. They’d never had that sort of relationship, as with all others from his past, Rey had served as a bridge. She’d been instrumental in helping him reach across the distance that had grown between him and his family and friends. Since she’d come into his life, he’d grown closer to the man, even considered him a mentor of sorts._

_Ben allowed himself one last look at his wife, bending down to place a parting kiss on her forehead before he left the room. He made it back to his room, explained the situation to his mother and remained upright long enough to ensure her secrecy._

_And then he gave into the despair. Sinking lower than he ever thought possible, to a black so deep he could barely feel the world around him. It was nothingness. The void wrapped itself around him, cloaking him, welcoming him to his new home. Ben closed his eyes to sleep and a small part of him hoped it would just be sleep forever._

He opened his eyes, the memory slipping away, like a lifetime swirling down the drain. She looked stricken, her eyes wide and red-rimmed. She’d been crying, her lower lip trembling with her intake of breath.

“So now you know,” he said, the emptiness from the memory carrying over, sitting within him like an old friend.

“ _Ben_ ,” she whispered, emotional and dumbstruck by what she’d just seen.

“I’m sorry, Rey,” he said, her hand like a brand where it still rested against his cheek, “for so many things, far more than I’ll ever have time to make up for,” Ben finished, swallowing hard against the realization.

“I won’t pretend that I’m not upset, and confused, and so fucking angry,” she started, clearing her throat against the creak of tears, “But _gods_ Ben. You’ve really carried all of this alone, all these years?” she asked, incredulous.

“What other choice did I have? I failed you, in the worst way, I failed you. And I’m never going to forgive myself for it,” He said, shrinking under her earnest gaze, wanting to run away again.

“But I won’t have you endangered again. I won’t have you hurt again. You know now, you can prepare or hide, or start over somewhere far away. I couldn’t let it happen again. I’d never planned on telling you all this, but for your own safety, I had to,” he said.

She answered by standing up from the couch, the cold of her hand slipping from his skin was sudden and acute. Here it was, the end, again.

He looked down at his hands where they rested in his lap, useless.

“Come,” she said, her hand outstretched.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Come on, you oaf,” she said, urging him to take her hand.

His fingers slipped into the spaces between hers.

She pulled him toward his bedroom, not bothering with the light, a shaft of the living room lamp spilling over onto the floor. Rey shucked her shoes and Ben followed suit. Crawling onto the bed, she tugged him down beside her, and he let her.

Ben would never understand, looking back at this moment, how someone like her existed in this world. But he would be grateful until the day he died.

Rey pulled him into her embrace, their bodies twining the way they had earlier, the way they had so long ago as well. A cool hand pressed his hair back, stroking over the lines of his forehead, and she placed a kiss there, like he had that night.

“Thank you, Ben,” Rey said and he looked up at her in shock and awe, shaking his head in disbelief.

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears again.

“Thank you for protecting me, for putting me first, for trying to save the parts of me that were left so that I could have the chance to find you again… to love you again,” Rey said and the dam wall broke.

Ben released three years’ worth of fear, and guilt, and pain. And Rey held him through it, both of their bodies shaking until sleep claimed them, dreamless and sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Firewhiskey](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Firewhisky)  
> [Department of International Magical Cooperation](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Department_of_International_Magical_Cooperation)  
> [Ambrosia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambrosia)  
> [Padme/Rey's Engagement Ring](https://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m594/diamondsbylauren/DBL_Branded_Antique_Inspired_Cushions/r4770-antique-diamond-ring-g.jpg)  
> [Video Of The Engagement Ring](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrMv9311ihw&feature=emb_logo)  
> I loved the idea of it having a yellow stone, it reminded me of Padme's iconic yellow picnic dress, as well as Rey's yellow saber  
> [Veritaserum](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Veritaserum)  
> [Bewitched Sleep/Sleeping Charm](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Sleeping_Charm)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, finally a bit of a reprieve for our poor characters. After last week they (and I) desperately needed it!
> 
> Thank you for all the support on this story so far, it has meant so much to me! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and leave kudos, and comments. 
> 
> A massive thank you to my amazing betas: @Love_andbalance, @AuroraReylo and my lovely new beta: @anopendoor

Chapter 8

It felt strange to wake in his arms, to have him feel like a missing part of her and to not even know his favorite color, or how he liked to spend his free time, or his father’s name.

Rey was so conflicted, so raw from what he had shown her. The amount of pain they had endured, the amount he still carried with him. She had seen the guilt, heard it in his voice and the way he spoke about what had happened. Ben had kept his memories, closed himself off from them, not allowing himself to dwell in the good or to move on from the bad. It was a self-imposed purgatory. 

Stuck.

His tears had wrecked her, the agony on his face as he recalled the beautiful life they shared, juxtaposed with the horror of what had been done to them. Rey wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that Ben suffered with nightmares, or struggled to sleep, still haunted by what he’d endured.

She was still affected by it, even though she didn’t remember, and she worried now that some of those blurs had become real… whether her nightmares would get better or worse. Rey wasn’t safe. She wasn’t sure she’d actually been safe at all, just ignorant. They were back. Or they’d never left. But they knew who she was, knew about Ben.

Rey was sure that something was coming, something big. Ben would try his best to keep her away from it, and she would let him, but the thought of him getting hurt left her with a sour taste in her mouth and the shaky feeling of dread. They weren’t together anymore, he wasn’t hers to worry about anymore, but she did.

He was an Auror now. Not just a Ministry figurehead, not a representative. He was a hunter. His job was to find these people and apprehend them, or die trying. The stakes seemed so much higher this time, now that they knew what these people were capable of and knew that their names and faces were on the Loyalists’ radar.

Rey skimmed her fingertips over the curved muscles on his back, covered by a soft shirt, absentmindedly. It felt natural, so she didn’t give it any thought. She let the heft of his body half on hers, and the steady rise and fall of his breath calm her. This moment, this was hers, it belonged to her. New and strong and she wouldn’t let anyone take this from her, not even him.

She hadn’t been okay then, she understood. Anger sat dormant, dampened by the understanding of the situation, but it still felt unfair. They had lost each other, and so much time that they could have had together. She had spent the last three years alone, a melancholy deep in her marrow, part of her life. It helped to understand now, to realize that her body had to process her trauma even though her brain was left out of the equation.

Nightmares, body aches, sadness and loneliness despite her best efforts, freezing in the face of danger… all trauma responses. At some point she would have to unpack it, and if they were going to have a real future, another go at this, they would have to talk and process, and work through it all.

For now, this was enough. His warm breath against her neck, those soft black curls twirled between her fingers, it would be enough for her. Rey hoped that he might feel the same, that he wouldn’t try to sabotage this chance they’d been given just because he felt like he didn’t deserve it. From his mind and words, she suspected there was a high likelihood of that happening.

He woke slowly, the sun outlining the window with light where the curtains didn’t reach. Her hands stilled against his back and his own hand at her waist tightened against the flesh there, as if he was trying to convince himself that she was really there.

“You stayed,” he breathed against her neck, taking a deep breath in through his nose and having it shudder through his chest in what she assumed was relief.

“I did,” she assured him, her fingers coming back up to tangle with his hair, planting a soft kiss to his crown.

“Why?” He asked, genuinely confused.

“Because,” she said purposefully vague, hoping to elicit a groan or a giggle, just something to get his mind out of the darkness.

“Rey,” he warned, grumbling against the column of her throat.

“Because I wanted to. Because I’m here to figure out what’s lingering between us. Because I feel safer with you than I ever have. With you around I can breathe, I can sleep. It’s selfish, okay?” she said, her control fraying, the truth slipping out despite her halfhearted effort at lightness.

“Okay,” he said, and settled in closer, as if that were even possible. He wrapped his arm around her fully.

“You’re sort of crushing me. You big oaf,” she said and he rolled them both over so that she now was splayed on top of his chest. “You know, you seem bigger than you did in the memories,” she remarked, her small hand pressed to the mass of his chest, dwarfed by the sheer presence of him.

“Gym. It helps keep the anger at bay, and it comes in handy in my line of work,” he said, the tips of his ears pinkening.

“About that, when did you change departments?” Rey asked, his memories had him in the International department, but he was an Auror now… quite the departure from suits and diplomacy, and the soft-handed man she’d first met.

His calloused hands razed over her skin, one held at the back of her neck, thumb stroking lazy circles into the nape.

“As soon as the hospital cleared me. Kenobi wasn’t happy with the idea, but so many changes happened all at once and he was promoted from the department. He came around when I told him that I’d be a good 'inside' person. I could keep an eye on any threats from within, in case the secrets we kept ever came to light,” Ben said, playing with a strand of her hair, rubbing it between his fingers.

“My main motivation was to find and apprehend all of the monsters that had hurt you. Obviously, I didn’t do a very good job,” Ben muttered, his displeasure plain.

“You’re one man. Not that you’re not capable, and strong, and talented… but one man against an army?” she said, trying to help him realize that he wasn’t responsible for everything, no matter what he believed.

“One man, a thousand, it doesn’t make a difference. They’re not laying a hand on you, ever again,” he said, vehemence making his words sound almost like a threat and she pitied anyone that tried.

“What do we do now? I realize that them being this out in the open, this brazen can only mean something bad,” she said, her fear settling onto her skin, goosebumps forming in response.

“You go back to Kenobi. I can’t, Hux is already on to me. I need to continue my investigation as if nothing is wrong. I also need to try and make sure what was hidden stays hidden,” Ben said.

“So, I reach out to Kenobi and tell him what?” Rey asked. She wanted to help, wanted this to be over once and for all, but they had no idea what they were walking into.

“I don’t know yet,” Ben sighed. “I’m three steps behind, at least. If we really have a mole they have a massive advantage. I don’t know where to start looking, I’m stuck with information that’s three years old and under strict orders not to talk to anyone but Hux and Snoke,” He seemed frustrated, one of those hands letting go of her to swipe against his face, as if trying to release tension or clear his mind.

“If they’re following me, they probably know I went to see him, and that I’m here now. I… I don’t know that I feel safe at my flat alone. Getting to and from work is okay, I usually just use the Floo Network, but I don’t know what the best way to protect myself out there is going to be,” Rey said, thinking about the logistics of it all for the first time.

Until yesterday she’d felt safe. It made her more nervous to think that the man who was tracking her had done nothing. It seemed more sinister, the anticlimax of it all leaving her with a cold hand of dread around the back of her neck that she just couldn’t shake.

“I don’t know,” he sighed in frustration.

Neither of them prepared, neither of them wanting to leave the cocoon of this moment and face very real implications.

“You could… stay here? I could put wards and charms in place to protect you. It’s not ideal, since I wouldn’t be around all the time, but I could be here when I’m not working?” Ben offered, she thought she detected apprehension in his voice, and the tiniest bit of hope.

“I… I’d like that. I might just need you to come with me to gather up some things,” Rey said, trying to fight the blush that she felt stinging her cheeks.

“About that… I uh, I kept some of your old things. They’re still here if you want them. If it’s too weird we can go to your apartment, but I thought you ought to know,” Ben said.

Rey lifted herself up from his chest, looking down at his pale face, flushed now by what he had admitted.

She didn’t know how to feel about his admission. On one hand it was incredibly sweet that he’d wanted to keep mementos of their time together, on the other… Rey didn’t have the memories that tied in with the clothes. Was she the same person that she was then? It seemed almost like two different people in this moment: who she was and who he wished she was.

Would he ever be able to embrace her for who she was now? Or was it hopeless?

She wanted the chance at a new start, couldn’t deny the chemistry between them, the way her body reacted to his touch. What exactly did he want? A new chance or a rerun of a show she’d never seen?

“Uhm… I’ll take a look at them and let you know. Is that okay?” She asked, looking down at him with care.

He nodded, giving her the barest of smiles.

Rey rolled off of him, lying beside him and staring up at the white ceiling.

“Ben?” She asked.

“Hmm?” he responded, an inquisitive noise in the back of his throat.

“I’m confused by all of this. So much is going on, so tangled together that I don’t even know where to start, but there’s something I want you to know,” Rey started, swallowing before she continued on.

She heard the rustle of Ben’s head against the pillow as he turned to look at her. “I’m listening,” he said, his voice so close to her ear and she tried to fight off the shiver that coursed through her body at the sound.

“I don’t know where we go from here, and I can’t erase or change what happened to you… to me, even though it feels so unreal. I want to figure out who I am, who we are, away from what happened. We’re changed, different than we were before. So, I don’t want you to stick with me out of a leftover sense of responsibility, and I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m trying to live up to an image in your mind. I want this to be a new chance. We need to get to know each other. Even if it feels redundant to you. Do you think you’d be willing to try that?” She finished, hoping that he would understand.

“Of course, Rey. I don’t want you to feel upset, I’m sorry I mentioned the clothes,” he said, his voice glum.

Rey turned onto her side to face him, saw the sadness crossing his features, and couldn’t resist lifting her hand to cup his cheek. As if the touch could iron away the lines carved into his forehead and the bracket beside his mouth.

“It’s okay. I know why you did it. I’m not upset, I was just surprised. I just want to make sure we come into this on even footing. This is already overwhelming, without feeling the need to live up to who I was to you in the past,” Rey explained, hoping he understood the unspoken pressure.

“Rey, I never expected any of this. I didn’t think you’d ever be in my life again. I’m happy to do whatever you need in order to feel comfortable. I’m taking this one day at a time. I can’t ignore the gnawing in my stomach that keeps saying you’ll disappear, but I’m setting that aside, I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give,” Ben said, his eyes warm and soft, that dark whiskey gaze intoxicating.

“I’ll preface it with this: I don’t want to know if what I tell you is the same or different as before. From now on we are new to each other. So, where should we start?” Rey asked, eager to get to know him, for her mind to settle into the comfort that her body seemed to feel toward his presence.

“We’ll start easy, what’s your favorite color?” Ben asked, his lips settling into a small smile that Rey found herself answering.

“Yellow!” She said with conviction, “you?”

“Blue,” Ben said. “Your turn for a question,” he prompted.

“What’s your vice?” Rey asked, giggling when she saw him raise an eyebrow.

“Getting serious here?” he teased, his smile growing when Rey simply nodded, trying to keep her face grave. “Cussing, also maybe coffee. I know it’s not really considered one, but I really couldn’t function well without it at all,” he said and Rey stuck her tongue out in disgust, a little _blegh_ noise leaving her mouth.

“I know, a very American sentiment. How about you?” Ben asked.

“Reality TV. I know most magical folk don’t enjoy muggle entertainment, but there’s just something about trashy reality television,” Rey said with a chuckle.

“Do you often immerse yourself in the muggle world?” Ben asked, genuinely interested it seemed.

“Yes, I mean… I was raised as a muggle until the day I got my letter. They have so many things that we just don’t. The wizarding world can be so slow to catch up. Plus, I enjoy the anonymity of their world. Anyone can be anything if they try, at least that’s the cultural myth. I enjoy the possibilities their world offers,” Rey explained, feeling herself get more animated as she discussed it with him. None of her colleagues were interested in the muggles, a lot of wizards despised them and thought them lesser because of their lack of magical ability.

Rey thought they were stronger for it. They’d had to forge their way to the civilization they held now, it was hard-earned and well-deserved, and she considered those that sneered at it bigoted and small-minded.

“My dad is a muggle, but he kind of had to step away from that when he fell in love with my mom. He was an orphan, so he didn’t have too many ties to worry about when that happened. I know he misses it. I’ve caught him sneaking in some TV from time to time. He loves classic cars, especially old muscle cars,” Ben said, smiling in remembrance.

“What’s his name?” Rey asked, desperate to know more about the man that she felt a kinship with.

“Han Solo. He’s retired now, finally building his own car from the bottom up. 67’ Chevy Corvette L88. Mom hates it, he’s thrilled. At least it keeps him out of her hair,” Ben said, shaking his head at the thought of his parents arguing over the metal skeleton of a bygone era.

“Have you seen or spoken to them recently?” she asked, wondering how the car was progressing, and wanting to hear him talk more about this family of his… that used to be hers as well.

“Not too much. We, uh… we’ve never been on great terms. My teen years were rough, things improved once I moved here and met you. But after everything that happened, I sort of withdrew from that. So, it’s been a few months since I checked in,” he admitted, sheepish.

“Okay, your turn for a question, I think,” Rey said, wanting to take that look off his face, the guilty and self-loathing look that she’d come to recognize in such a short period of time.

“What’s your favorite meal? Like if you were going to request a final meal, what would it be?” Ben asked and his stomach gave a gurgle in response to the mention of food.

“I wonder what prompted that question,” Rey teased and they both laughed. “Hmm, I feel like I should say something fancy or out there… but honestly there’s one meal that I’ve not been able to get out of my mind. On one of my weekends off, after we lost a patient, one of my colleagues suggested getting out of London for a bit to clear my mind. I’d never seen the castle at Windsor, so I took the train down there for a day. It was hot, humidity sticking to my skin, most people walking around without shirts on or in crop tops. Town was unbelievably packed and I only found out later that it was because the Queen had arrived,” she started and Ben tucked his hand under his face, looking so freaking adorable and cozy that Rey stopped for a moment to plant a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“Anyway, as I was saying. I was in the market. It was hectic and lovely, and exactly what I needed that day. Flower boxes outside windows, pots hanging from lampposts, their sweet scent helped to curb the smell of sweat in the air. I got a whiff of something delicious and walked over. A restaurant had the biggest pan I’d ever seen set up outside, giving away free seafood paella,” she said, closing her eyes to try and savor the memory in her mind, the image so vivid she could almost smell it again.

“They handed it to me on a paper plate with a little black plastic fork, and I ate it as I walked around through Alexandra Park beside the Thames, watching people try to fish and canoe down the brown water. It was lovely, but I’ve not been back since,” she lamented, opening her eyes to see him staring at her with an expression she could read.

“What’s up?” she ventured, trying to get a read on him.

“When all this is over, I’ll take you back there,” he said, his voice solemn.

His stomach betrayed him again, the growl louder this time and Rey shook her head as the giggles overtook her.

“Please tell me you have food here, before your stomach eats itself in desperation,” Rey said between chuckles.

“I do, I’m just loath to leave this bed. This morning feels like a cocoon and I’m not ready for it to be over yet,” Ben said.

“Who said it had to be over. Neither of us have work until tomorrow. We can spend the day inside, getting to know each other and taking a breath before things come crashing down again. It’s okay to take a break,” she said, looking at him carefully to see if he believed her, or if he needed more convincing.

“Okay. One lazy Sunday, coming right up. I’m afraid all I have as far as breakfast fare is cereal. Don’t hold it against me, I’m usually at the office really early so I never really eat here,” Ben explained.

“Cereal’s fine, but I’ll have to raid your cupboards for later because we both need more sustenance than that,” she warned, trying to force a stern frown onto her face.

“Yes, ma’am,” he answered, his frown more firmly intact but those plush lips twitching under the strain of staying serious.

“Come on, you goof! Before we both expire,” she said, rising and urging him toward the kitchen.

They ate their cereal in companionable silence, their munching the only sound in the kitchen. Afterward they curled up on the couch, talking about everything but the threat that lurked, and waited. Both of them trying their hardest to rest in the denial they shrouded the day in.

Nothing could touch them here, no one would intrude on this moment. They wouldn’t let it happen.

Later that night when he invited her back to bed she went, curling up against his side happily. He held her tightly, his heavy arm around her waist, that large hand spanning the dip at the base of her spine, teasing burning circles into her skin.

They didn’t dare push it further, even though Rey could feel the inferno in her building, and Ben’s hardness was very evident against her thigh… more denial, in more ways than one.

Neither of them slept that night, just listening to the sound of his breathing in the dark room, the way his heart thumped under her ear and calmed her nerves.

Monday had never seemed so hated.


End file.
